Scratchy Scrapbook

He loves me, He loves me not, eh?

2012-01-11T23:16:00.000-08:00

Hello everybody!! Bonjour! Today I want to share something new, hmm.. All about loovveeee.. Haha! I feel quite romantic this afternoon, blame my lunch, no, just kidding. Move on. So um, I'm sorry, I basically dedicate this post for girls, because I'm a girl and everything is written in girl's perspective. But I'll try to make it more general perspective. Okay then, enjoy reading!

So, LOVE. What do you know about love? LOVE is an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment, that's what wiki says. So what do you say? What do you think love is? Well, for me, I think love is, yeah, a kind of strong emotion we feel when we meet the person we love. Okay, to make it clear, we feel a sudden punch of happiness when we see 'THE ONE'. Some will feel butterflies in their stomaches. Some will feel excited. Some will feel relax at first, but then PANIC ATTACKS them. Some will feel nervous. Some will lose their appetite. Some will suffer insomnia. That's just LOVE.

Now, we can picture what love is all about, but how can you realize it's LOVE, not CRUSH, not LUST? First of all, CRUSH is some kind of a fast, demanding, overwhelming, strong, consuming emotion which can drive us crazy like we feel when we see our favourite ACTORS! Simply said, it's just like LOVE, but it only lasts for only a short period, and it's more like a sudden and strong feeling, while LUST is a kind of pervert feeling. In a polite way, LUST is an emotional force that is directly associated with the thinking or fantasizing about one's desire, usually in a sexual way (wikipedia). HOWEVER! LOVE is more than all of the above! LOVE is more consuming than CRUSH. LOVE can drives you really crazy. LOVE makes you blind. LOVE makes you wake up at midnight and play your scene with the one you love all over again in your mind. LOVE can make you buy the perfume your love uses, so that you can spray it in a piece of cloth and smell it like a drug. LOVE makes you willing to spend anything for your love. LOVE makes your forgetful. LOVE makes you count "1+1=6". LOVE is when it is no more 'I' or 'ME' world, it's 'HIM' or 'HER' world. LOVE is when you prioritize somebody over yourselves, doesn't matter if it is your needs, feeling, or happiness. LOVE is when you want somebody you love to be happy. LOVE is when the only thing you want to see is your love's smile, and the last thing is his/her tears. You realise you're in love when you like his body scent more than his perfume. You realise tou're in love when you like his weakness and it makes you think he is perfect. You realise you're in love when you can't live without him, but you don't live with him anyway, because he loves somebody else. You realise you're in love when you know you can't survive without him but you let him go because he wants to go. And the most important thing LOVE MAKES YOU SACRIFICE. No matter it's your life, money, time, or things you like! LOVE is a sacred and beautiful thing, that's what I think. It's a pure feeling, no pretending. So, are you in love now? But to certain people, LOVE might be slightly different from what I feel. You guys may have other perception of 'LOVE'.

NEXT, after you realize you have feeling for him/her, you may wonder, "DOES HE LOVE ME TOO?". Girls usually pick a rose in their garden and start to peel of the poor petals and start saying "he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me" until the petals are all gone. Okay, I'm not sure if it is a rose or daisy. If the last petal says "he loves me" then they will believe that the guy they love, loves them back, if it says "he loves me not" then, they guy they love doesn't love them. What a stupid game. LOL! What I want to say is, a flower's petal doesn't make somebody loves us, or doesn't love us. Boys and girls are just the same when they are in love. They just want the love one to be happy. Some boys may tease girls just to get attention. Girls do that too! But shyly. HAHAHA. Boys usually tend to be more aggressive. They are nosy, JUST KIDDING! they want to know more about girls they like. They memorise girl's important dates,like birthday. and that is super sweet, I KNOW HAHAH. But girls do that too! I do that too! But some boys are very shy and you can't tell if he is in love or not. Then, what about true love and MR. Right?

Have you ever wondered how you can realise when you've finally met the one destined for you? Will he say "it's I, whom you've been looking for."? Will you feel butterflies in your stomach when first you meet him? Will you see a label which says he is yours? Will you imagine yourself walk down the aisle and he's in the altar, when you first saw him? Will you see a red thread which connect you two? Will you cry when you know he has a girlfriend in your first conversation? Will you directly ask for his phone number when you have to leave and make sure you will stay in contact? Will you look in his eyes and see your soulmate? Will you faint when you make him smile? Will your mind be infected by him? Will he confiscated your thought? Will he haunt your dreams? Will you be crazy about him? Will you feel like you never love somebody before? Will you feel like he is your first love? Will you just simply forger about your ex-es? Will you sacrifice anything just to spend time with him?

How can you know if he is the one? Do you try to hold his hand and it fits the gap in your fingers perfectly? Do you try to stay near him to smell his body scent and love it even it is not as good as his perfume? Do you try to find out if he is looking for a girlfriend? Do you try to ask him what kind of girl he likes? Do you try to be the girl he wants? Do you try to memorise his name as soon as he says it, when you know you're bad in memorising people's names? Do you try to tell him all your weakness just to find out if he still wants to be with you? Do you try to accept every single thing of him? Do you try to see that in fact, both of your imperfectness make your love perfect? Do you try to stay away from him as far as you can, but no matter how hard you try, you'll always be pulled back to him?

My mom told me that there's no such thing as 'LOVE IN FIRST SIGHT' and TRUE LOVE. Yes, she loves my dad. But marriage is just like a gamble, you can't wait for THE ONE for your entire life. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MAKE HIM THE ONE. When you marry a guy, then HE AUTOMATICALLY BECOMES THE ONE. There's no THE ONE before you decided to spend your whole life with him or her. And I also realise that in a relationship, there's nothing such as 50-50 love, it's always 70-30 or 40-60. There's always somebody who keeps the relationship works, sails, while the other just follows. There is always somebody who loves more. (JODI PICOULT, MERCY). So, which one are you?

Best Friends Forever

2012-01-03T22:40:00.001-08:00

Hello everybodyyy!! Happy New Year!! I know I've been posting lesser and lesser recently, I just don't know how write anymore. No just kidding. I just haven't found the 'mood' to write. This sucking feeling also happens when I want to write story. So, move on. I want to write the first post in 2012 about the most important things in my life, my best friends. (my family is also important, but I just wanna write about my bestfriends. HEHE).

The thing is, I MISS THE BEBEKS, N, D and Y! I miss them so much.
I miss the moment when we sang rock and roll in the class, with the lights off, and we danced like we were drunk.
I miss the moment when we sat face to face gossiping someone in the class.
I miss the moment when D or N or Y came to class in the morning with an enthusiatic face and said "HEY GUYS! DO YOU KNOW THAT.." or "I HAVE A SHOCKING NEWS!".
I miss the moment when we celebrate THE BEBEKS' first anniversary, when we went to buy outr cake, when we clothed the same shirt, wore same bracelet, same necklace, took funny and stupid pictures in all over N's house.
I miss the moment when we fought and then we apologized to one another.
I miss the moment when we rehearsed 21 guns in N's bedroom for her bday, and then we laughed like crazy.
I miss the moment when we watch MUOI in N's living room and we shouted when we saw the ghost, then N's dad hushed us.
I miss the moment when we started to say "you know, I don't really like A, she's actually not that bad, but she's like..." "OHMYGOD! Me TOO!" "OHMYGOD I thought that it was me." "SHE'S A BITCH" (well, actually it's not really like that, but yeah, we did that).
I miss the moment when we found out that one of us was in love and started to spread gossip in the class.
I miss the moment when we bullied Y!
I miss the moment when we spoke and laughed so LOUDLY in SC THAT everybody can hear our voices.
I miss the moment when somebody in SC suddenly walked to us "OHMYGOD! I can't believe that A and B is dating" then we realized that we had talked too loud. I miss the moment when we laughed for no reason.
I miss the 5 minutes silence which drove us crazy!
I miss the moment in the class when the teacher started to talk something we couldn't understand, we just looked at one another, smiled, pointed the teacher and said "CURHAT", and we laughed like crazy.
I miss the moment when we were reading so-not-funny jokes, but then one of us laughed like hell, and all of us started to laugh like her.
I miss the moment after we laughed until we couldn't breathe, had stomached, all of our face gone red, and our voices were gone, we said "stop, stop.. I couldn't breathe.", and then we laughed again.
I miss the moment when we had even forgotten what made us laughed, we still couldn't stop laughing.
I miss the moment when we discussed about movies we watched and we found out that we all have different views, then we laughed again.
I miss the moment when the teacher was taking a rest, N and I directly looked back and we started to gossip a lot of things starting with the teacher.
I miss everymorning before the bell rang we didn't actually know what to talk about, but when the bell rang and the lessons started, all gossips just crawled to our brains and we couldn't wait to share.
I miss the morning when we got into the class and asked "hey, you've done the homework?" "OHMYGOD DO WE HAVE ANY?"
I miss the morning when we rushed to the class, "hey! Whose answer is that?" "A's" "alright, lend me yours once you finish copying".
I miss the moment when I looked to all of you and said "I really need to go to the toilet. I can't hold it anymore." "yeah, me too" then when the bell rang we ran like crazy!
I miss the moment when we pack after school, "hey, do you take physics' book home?" "of course not." "but we have homework tomorrow." "OH SHIT" "relax, it's only 3 questions" "oh yeah, why would we take the book home? We can copy the answers tomorrow morning." "good idea!". Then we mostly ended bringing none of the book we took this morning home.

I really really miss you guyssss!!!

?

2011-12-18T23:57:00.000-08:00

"Why are there in life two choices you can ever make ?"

Have you ever wonder 'why do I have to choose'? when you are faced to certain alternatives that you can't choose.? why is it always 'yes' or 'no, 'black' or 'white', 'up' or 'down', 'right' or 'wrong' ? why are the we the one who have to choose? why do people always make it so difficult? why can't it just be 'yes' or, why can't it just be 'no'? choices only make everything complicated.

"Why is it that in some points in life, 'escape' is not one of the choices ?"

How can you choose something when all of the choices are not the answer? how are you supposed to tell 'black' or 'white', while the thing given is 'grey' ? how can you even choose when you know in the end you'll lose everything ?

"Why is it in some points in life, 'heart' and 'mind' never steps in the same spot ?"

How are we supposed to choose when our mind says 'no' and our heart says 'yes' ? which one are you going to choose, when you know heart can never lie, and mind always gives the 'facts' ? how are you going to choose when you know it is 'wrong' legally, but it is 'right' morally?

People say : "the same lightning never strikes the same place twice." but, what if the 'lightning' strikes you? are you going to take it?

"What if.. it is a 'mistake' ? what if.. it isn't?"

10 Things I Want The Most.

2011-11-21T02:12:00.001-08:00

I have 10 things I want the most right now! at this moment!

I want to fly back home.
I want to buy a plane ticket to my hometown.
I want to teleport back home.
I want my house, right in front of me.
I want Singapore suddenly swifts staggeringly into like hometown.
I want suddenly my school gives me ten-day holiday and a free plane ticket back home.
I want to sleep and wake up back to my hometown.
I want Aladin invites me to ride on his magic carpet and takes me home.
I want Peterpan shares me his magic powder so I can fly back home.
I want somebody taps me by my shoulder and says "hey! I have a free ticket to Indonesia! Medan!"

I Just Wanna Go Home.

2011-11-21T00:30:00.001-08:00

"May be surrounded by a million people I still fell all alone..."

Hello everybody, yes, I'm homesick right now, at this moment. I'm at school now, browsing, doing my assignment. but my mind is flying back home, to Indonesia, to Medan, to my hometown. I am so homesick. I feel like every cell in my body is screaming, tearing apart, asking for 'Home'.

"I just wanna go home... let me go home..."

I don't belong here, in Singapore. This is not my home. I'm tired. I want to go home. I'm so exhausted for a lot of assignment and I need to rest, in my home. I wanna come home, where I can rest my weariness. I miss my family, who will hold me, embrace me when I am not strong enough to face the storms in my life.

"I've never been more homesick than now..."

I feel this isn't right. I am not supposed to be here. I made a lot of nice new friends over here, but still, it can't shake my feeling of "this is not my place."

"If home where my heart is then I'm out of place..."

I phoned my family this morning and I wept like crazy. I heard my dad's voice first.

'Hello, dad?' I sobbed.
'yes? what happened to you? does something bad happen?' he sound worried.
'No. I miss home.'
'ah.. you miss home.. come home then.'

Then I recalled myself in the airport, on 16th of October. I hugged dad and he said 'take care. be careful.'
Then I recalled when I received my bad report and I told my dad and he said 'you can do better next time, you just haven't find your way.'
Then I recalled when I forgot to buy my friend's b'day cake--it's already late at night-- daddy was very angry that I just remembered it AT NIGHT, but he said 'don't you ever do it next time.' and he walked with me.

I've ever skyped with my mom, my dad didn't want to, he said he didn't know what to say. I miss him very much.

Then after I ended our convo, he sent me his picture. he didn't say anything but he must be saying : 'you miss me, don't you?'

"let me go home... it all be alright I'll be home tonight, I'm coming back home."

17 vs 18

2011-10-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody! I'm writing this blog at school. yeah, I'm inside JCU right now, doing nothing. well, this is just a random post.

Yes, I've started school since last week and I start to get busy, dealing things these and those. well, pretty much a university life. BUT I WANT TO MAKE A COMPLAIN! I'm taking Psychology course and am obliged to participate researches to get some credits. it's pretty much important. BUT unfortunately, MOST of the researches require students over 18. I'm still 17 and it's just few months to go. HOW UNFAIR IT IS! I need to participate so I can get some points! but this stupid requirements stands in the way.. :( :( I've asked the Dean or whosoever and she told me that I could just write an essay. BUT I HAVE TO MAKE IT EXTRA GREAT! which is almost impossible. why is has to be so unfair? THEN, because I'm still 17, I can't join the freshman party which will be held in a club. so basically, in Singapore, everything has to be above 18 or 21. while in Indonesia, 17 is the mature age. I'm a bit sad right now because of that. but some of the researches told me that they can arrange me something so that I can join. THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME OUT!

Some say racism stops development or ; stops somebody to progress. okay, they may be not that racist towards skin colour or heights but they surely racist against me! well, to all students who are turning 18 in just couple months and that the fact that they are still 17 they have to go through a bundle of obstacle in order to get their points. I'm not talking about sex or porn which are suitable for people over 21. BUT THIS.. how can somebody be so different in just a couple of months; that they are afraid that their research are invalid because the sudents' way of thinking has changed overnight? how much can somebody change in just a couple of months? even somebody can't really make a great change in a year time unless he/she is taking some "how to make a big change in your life" classes. I am really so disappointed. and also, because i'm still 17, it makes me the youngest in my discussion group. It doesn't matter, really but somehow it makes me umm.. lack of self confidence. most of them are 19 and 20. I am always "I'm just a kid. how can they listen to me? how can i make any differences?". BUT thankfully they really appreciate what I say and they are so welcoming. they don't treat me like a baby.

so, I really hope everything can go as smoothly as possible. wish me luckk!
XOXO

Daddy's Little Girl

2011-10-28T22:53:00.000-07:00

What's the picture that comes to you when somebody says 'Father'? well, probably we would imagine a brave and strong man, with a superman cap behind him and he's practically invincible. Or a kind-hearted man who always and always smile, with open arms, and he's as warm as our teddy bear. Or a man who look very austere, stern and stiff, and never smiles, but very brave, who is willing to change his life for his family safety. well, there's so many kind of daddy.

I get a daddy who looks big, brave and strong. he doesn't open his arms to his two beloved daughters litterally, but he always put us on the top of his list. he's a type of guy who really knows how to enjoy his life. being the only man in home, he lets my mom makes decision and always listens to whatever our requests are. he gets a very wide knowledge of everything and it still mesmerizes me.
HE ALWAYS IS TOO PROUD TO SHOW how much he cares for us like :
HE ALWAYS GETS ANGRY when we stupidly hurt ourselves instead of smiles with open arms and hugs us or whatever.
HE ALWAYS GETS ANGRY when carelessly forget my stuffs at home, so he should get back home and deliver it to me at school again.
HE ALWAYS GETS ANGRY when I make too many promises which I can't fulfill all. and I can't protest when he also makes thousands of promises to his friends.
HE NEVER ALLOWS me to engage myself in a relationship. even if he knows this guy is not some random guy. and he's not bad at all.
HE IS ALWAYS TOO TALKATIVE and gragarious over everything.
HE ALWAYS GETS ANGRY when we can't decide where to have our dinner.
HE ALWAYS GETS ANGRY when we spend money to things that's cute but unnecessary and we can't protest when he spend money on cool but unnecessary stuffs.

BUT THAT'S THE DADDY I LOVE. That's my old man. that's the man who loves me for whatever I am. the man who will always love me even if I turn him down. the man who will sacrifice anything just to make sure I'm okay. the man who loves me probably more than my Mum.. hehe. the man whose heart is always open just for me. the man whose soul is as warm and soft like a teddy bear's. the man who SHOWS HIS LOVE IN HIS ACTIONS, NOT HIS WORDS. He's the one who almost faint and worries the most when I badly hurt myself. He's the one who worries about my school stuffs more than I do. he doesn't want to let me fail myself or disappointed myself. He's the one who shouts at me at first time but he manages to help me to fulfill al my promises. He worries too much that his little girl is growing up too soon and is leaving him for another man. He just wants to make sure that we all have proper and healthy meals. He never buys things only for himself. he always buys things that all of us can use or eat, or do whatever to it.

I LOVE YOU, DADDY (less than 3 <3) I miss you so much.. :) too bad i'll miss your birthday. but let me wish me the biggest wish of your bday ever :)

You Have To Try, Mom

2011-10-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

Krista didn't suspect anything at first. After all, her elderly Korean mother had survived the death Of her husband five years before. Krista missed her father too, yet she thought Mom had done pretty well. But her hard working Mom had never mastered English in twenty plus years she had lived in the United States. When the police pulled her Mom over and took away her driver's license, Krista wanted to attribute it to her mother's poor English. However, when her Mom threw "the fit" in the bank, she knew things were bad. Then the convalescent Home Kicked her out after two weeks because she fought with other patients. With Krista's husband's reluctant consent, her Mom moved in with them.

"Honey," Said the husband one day,"Your mother is losing it. She glued the kids' school papers on the wall today."

Krista didn't know what to say. As the honorable Daughter it was her duty to take care of her mother as the mother had done for her all these years.
Now again the Mom even forgot Krista's Name.
"Mom, you Have to try," an exasperated Krista pled. "you have to try to remeber things."
The elderly mom's slow decline took its toll on the family. Nerves frayed, arguments arose, tempers flew and Krista's Mom withered away until one day she breathed her last breath. The family picked up the pieces of their lives. But one thing bothered Krista. Maybe it was a strange thing, she thought, but she didn't want the bed her mother died in to be in the house. When her husband went off to work and the kids to school, Krista decided to take the bed apart. As she pulled the mattresses off the box spring, she found a child's red notebook inside, a notebook that had been reporter missing for some time.
'what the heck is this doing here?' she said to herself as she opened the Boom. Inside it, written in beautiful Korean, every page from top to bottom read the same :

Krista is my daughter's name.
Krista is my daughter's name.
Krista is my daughter's name.
Krista is my daughter's name.
Krista is my daughter's name.

Paul Karrer. Chicken Soup for the Mother and Daughter Soul.

Spy 'to' Love pt one (re-post)

2011-08-26T02:35:00.001-07:00

I had forgotten everything before I came here. I did not know where I live, where I came from, my parents or my name. All that I remembered was that day when they brought me to that place. I was playing with my doll, she had amber hair like mine and.. Black buttoned- eyes. She was smiling, she always smiled. I combed her hair, gave her a cup of tea, made her sit, and told her a story. We were above the cloud, everything was white, I could only remember the doll, just the doll. Then, somebody in black came. He wore a black coat, black trousers, and a black hat. His offered his hand to me. It was full of awful scratches. I could say he smiled at me, although I could not see his face. He said something to me which was unclear to me. I did not know why may be that cause me to give him my hand.

~~~

I walked to my room after dinner. I was exhausted after a big exercise this morning. It was so tiring.. I could feel my body was stiffened.

KLANG KLANG KLANG

I looked down and saw the others ran to the main base. Poor them, mission called at dusk. They were well prepared with their black combat suit. I walked inside my room and closed the metal door behind me. I sighed. Looking at the same thing all over and over and over again. I was bored. The same bed on the left corner, a metal wardrobe on the other corner, and a desk. Inside the wardrobe were not bikinis, but a tight black suit and a set of mission preparation, such as bullet proof, extra pockets for knives, sword holder and more pockets for extra ammunition, but I was not there yet, using guns. I sighed. Here, all girls wore tight black suit, while boys wore black shirt and combat trousers every time. A white bed, with a sheet of white blanket and a white pillow. I sit on the bed, wondering a little speech which our headmaster gave this morning before the exercise.

"you're all gifted children. You will be happy staying here. There are no any fortunate children, but you. You were free to eat, to study and to do what activity as you like." he was just simply lied. I did not find any freedom here, we were forced to follow the rule, strict obligation and diciplin. The worst, we were not allowed to get out from this base camp, Maybe forever. About the mission? We were just told to do some tasks inside the headquarters, or we could move to other minor bases.

TANG TANG TANG

I heard somebody knocked on the metal door. I dragged my ass lazily to open it. Who might it be? I turned the lock and unbolted it. It was a girl, who wore the same black tight suit, which covered our body to the neck, wrists, and ankle. She had a silky long straight hair. Like many others, we were free to opt what hairstyle we wanted. She smiled at me.

"do.. I happen to know you?" I stood on the entrance and made an unwelcoming gesture. I knew it was a rude and nude question to be asked. But why on earth she knocked on my door? She walked to me and pushed me into my room.

"he.. Hey.. What are you doing?" I protested. she slumped my butt to my bed.

"you are invited to.. Our confidential society. Congratulation because we do not simply put ordinary people on the list. You are quite a criteria for us. Why don't you follow me to... Our secret meeting." she said in a lower voice after she was sure the door had been secured. What secret confidential? Was she joking?

"i'm not playing any game.. Sorry.." I said. She smiled and pointed me a revolver.

"wh.. What the hell?!"

"we insisted."

"fine!! Fine!!" what the hell was she doing?? Pointed me a gun? Who did she think she was. I was not armed by that moment. Wait how could she get the revolver? I walked outside with her. She took the lead. We walked from the east wing to the central sector.

"mind if I ask something?" I spoke up, breaking the silence.

"depend on what you're gonna ask."

"where are we going?"

"to our meeting." she replied shortly.

"where it might be? Your room?"

"no."

"how many people are there? Are they all girls?"

"you'll know once we are there." before I started to ask again she pointed me with her revolver.

"fine." I rolled my eyes. We both walked until she turned to the left.

"hey.. Hey.. Why are we here? We are not supposed to be here. Well, I am not." this avenue was for the most elite students. Their rooms were provided with wider bed, a real air conditioner, and more wardrobes. Besides they were doubled mine. She smiled at me.

"it's alright, I have the authority to get in here. Okay?"

"wait, how come you can get rights like that?"

"you will know." she said.

We arrived in front of a metal door with the big number 3 scraped on it.

She knocked the door several times and it was opened.

"welcome back, Cathy. Oh you must be Anna." the girl who opened the door greeted me. She had a blond straight hair, with fringe. So this black haired girl was Cathy. I nodded at this new girl.

"everybody has been waiting for you, please come inside." I nodded and followed her. Then I was surprised to see what''s inside.

"Hi! Anna.." they greeted me. It was maybe 3 of them.

"have a seat." one of the girl on the bed moved a little to give me space. She has a brown and curly hair, beside her, sat a gloomy girl with silver hair. and a boy who sat on the chair opposite the bed. he looked smart. he was black. we are 6 in this room.

"why are we here?" I asked.

"okay. I guess it's the time." the blue haired boy spoke up. All of them stood up. Then Cathy opened the Metal door. It revealed a guy who I'd known for years and two other girls.

"Nick?" nick smiled at me, everybody did. The two other girls were absurd; they wore the same silver cuffs on their left hand. One of them had the same black hair as Cathy's,but she had an oriental face, I assumed she came from Asia. Then, next to the Asian girl was Nick, and beside him a nervous girl, her eyes did not focus, wait, there were white layer covered up her blue eyes. Was she.. Blind? She tied up her blond hair.

"guys, why don't you all tell her your name, look, she was confused."

they laughed. what's so funny?

"hi, I'm Ashley. I am 14" the curly brown hair girl who sat beside me before said.

"Mallory 7" said the.. gloomy girl. she's seven?! I could not believe it.

"Raphael. 15" the smartie said.

"the archangel." I suddenly spoke up my mind. Everybody looked at me.

"yeah! I'm a christian!" he was excited.

"next." nick said.

"hi! I'm Pamela. 16" the oriental girl.

"h.. Hi.." I said nervously. although she smiled but.. her eyes were terrifying.

"Brenda. 14" the blind girl.

"whiskey. 15" the straight blond hair girl with fringe who opened the door for me and Cathy said.

"seriously?" I asked. she lifted her eyebrows.

"um.. I'm Anna 14 almost 15." I said. They were all smiling at me. Of course, I named myself, everybody did in here.

"okay.. Now, we are actually 15. but i can only gather 9 in here, the rest are having their missions. We are now gathering in my room, because, It is facilitated without any secret camera, we are allowed to keep privacy. And we are her because we have something in particular. We have the desire to be free." said nick, "I would like to tell you something which may surprised you. Do you ever think about why we were here? I mean, why do we live here? Do we know what exactly this place is? Do you ever think of that?" some of us nodded, including me. The two angels seemed to be used to this kind of meeting, they seemed to know something.

"of course we are not the cloning project, they can't create us as perfect as this. Besides, we are not created by.. Bubbles or ashes. We have parents. But why are we here? " he said.

"maybe our parents also live here and work here." Ashley said.

"well, that can be an assumption, but, why can't they find us? Why are we not living as a family?" none of us could answer.

"now, why aren't we be allowed to get out from this place?" we all nodded, agreed with his statement.

"they keep something behind us, don't they?"

"I don't know about that. Ain't wanna know." suddenly Raphael spoke up with his black accent. He stood up and said nervously.

"why? You do ever think about it, don't you? You've known something, haven't you?" nick said. Raphael went pale. He did know something.

"Raphael? What happened?" Pamela asked. He was confused whether he should said out or not. He did keep something behind us. We looked at him doubtfully.

"fine, I'll spit it out. I was once the number two." we looked at him in disbelieving look. Raphael, was not looked like he was ever the number two. well, he looked smart.

"wait! but I thought that once we passed the the test, which determined what number we are, our number are not supposed to change anymore." I said.

"that's right. but.. I'm in a special case." he said. we all stared at him. this was impossible.

"don't look at me that way, I am telling you the truth. Number one, two and three are not treated the in a same way. Number one, is the most trusted person in this A.C.A and the most dangerous person ever. he knows everything about A.C.A. and As number two I knew, a lot more than you, now, nick." he eyed nick. Nick rolled his eyes and folded his hand.

"this is serious, nick" he said.

"I know, that's why you are here. carry on." nick replied.

"then, this secret organization, under the name A.C.A the Acme Classified Agents. Well, it's not cool at all. So, why do they train us to be an agent?" he looked around the room.

"because they have something for us to do. On the 20th, we will be released to the upper world, doing a mission, right?."

"that means, we are free?" Mallory spoke up suddenly. She looked so hopeful.

"physically, but not mentally. We still have to obey them, work for them."

"what mission?" I asked. He shook his head.

"that is why I need you Anne." Nick said.

"why? For what?" I said confusedly.

"you are all chosen to be here. You have something special in your own. Ashley, she is a great code breaker, nobody is better than her. Mallory, although she is the youngest among us, she knows more than all of you, besides, she is the one who can master 14 languages in linguistic and literature study, she's the best in the class." I almost gasped. she.. was no human..

"Raphael. His ability is not necessary to be questioned, he has ever be number two." that could be explained.

"Cathy is great in weaponry." that's why she pointed me revolver.

"whiskey can find any information, both legal and illegal information. She knows everybody here. Pamela, is great in marital arts. Brenda. although she can't see through her eyes but she can see clearer than anybody over here." she winked her eyes.

"I am number 3 now, I can give you free access to A.C.A, and.. I'm quite good." nick smirked.

"then, I'm not good at all, I not a mind reader.." I said doubtfully.

"you are beautiful Anne.. Not me the only one who say that, I've heard a lot."

"yeah.. A lot." Whiskey added.

"okay, I maybe am beautiful, but what? I'm not a great fighter."

"no. No.. You don't need to fight, you just have to--"

"stop!!" Mallory said. Everybody looked at her.

"they.. They're coming.." she said in horror.

"c'mon, let's leave." Pamela said. Everybody stood up and they ran outside.

"what's so rush?" nick was surprised to see me still standing in his room and he dragged me outside.

"Pamela and Brenda were detected. They are not supposed to be together, now, the custodian will come and lock their ass in their own room for the rest of this month."

"why? They do something wrong?"

"they are cuffed for reasons." he said while we were running. "they have worked on this project long ago before they came and tell me this."

"tell you what? Eh. That direction." I showed him the way to my room.

"this escape project."

"what?!" I stopped running.

"what?" he asked me like there's nothing happened.

"escape?! Are you nuts?"

"listen.. Listen..."

"no!! You, look! Do you happen to know anything outside? What if it is a non-oxygen place? What if it is something really bad outside?" he put his hand to my shoulder.

"easy.. Easy. Listen, if there's really something outside they will tell us that, but why they don't give us any reason why we're kept here. That's why I need you, Anna, you're the big key in this project, everybody is actually. Pam, Brenda, and two others has sacrificed for this. They were trying to steal some information, but something blocked their way, so they are cuffed now, and each cuff is a sensor."

"what will I do?"

"this is a brilliant idea. Be number 10 and date number 1, take all information from him."

~~~

Oh my God! I couldn't believe I would do this! I would lie to the Number One! I did not even know who he was, his name nor his face. We; the typical students, were so far far away from the top one. Besides, every girls I met were crazy about him! I did not know who they really liked. I myself not good in socializing. I smiled to everybody but they just ignore me.the top students were so excellent that they were invincible and invisible. I'd just learned that Nick was one of them. What should I do? I recalled what nick told me yesterday.

"I know everything, you worry about. I've arranged everything for you. Look, tomorrow, you will meet him in the executive ceremony."

"what??!! I'm not an executive, how.."

"it's okay, look, you will play as my assistance, I won't come tomorrow, so, you'll do anything for me, right? Just attend it, you'll know what to do. Just look for him." after saying this he ran away. What the hell?! I did not know what to do now. I'm in front of the big door. It was 6.30 in the morning. I did not know what time the conference would start. Nick did not tell me about that. I was too early! I thought may be the door was not yet even unlocked. Suddenly I heard voices inside the chamber. I had not ever gone here. I guessed Nick had chosen the wrong girl. Yes, indeed, the wrong girl. Suddenly there was someone who opened the door. Oh my God! Who might it be?! Oh, it was a boy, I could hear from his voice. Then he looked at me, our gaze met accidentally. He grimaced a questioning face.

"hey." he smiled at me. he had auburn-brown hair. Hazel eyes. And a perfect smile.

"um.. hi.." I replied. He walked out of the room.

"why are you so early? Are you the new executive?" he asked.

"um.. No.. No.. I'm not." I replied nervously. "I'm just an assistance for.. Nick." he seemed to know what I meant.

"oh, Nick. Yeah, it means he's not coming, is he?" I nodded.

"okay, may be he did not tell you the right time, we are supposed to begin at 9." oh my God!!! At 9?? And I was here already!! Great!! Great job Nick!! I could feel my blood pumped up to my head. Oh my God, this sweet boy would laughed out his lungs.

"you're bit early. Hey why don't you get in and just watch us prepare? It's.." he opened the door, inviting me in. I was so surprised that I was stunned.

"um.. It's okay, if you do not want to come with me." he said in disappointment. And moved in the room.

"no.. No.." I rushed to him and hold his arms. My heart bumped faster. And I realized what I'd done. I let go of his hand subtly.

"I'm sorry.."

"c'mon." he said, opened the door for me.

It was amazing! It was a remarkable chamber. The lighting was soft yellow that made the room even more elegant and expensive. Chairs were arrange neatly that it was looked like rows and columns. There was a strange and a podium. So, it was really a speech.

"welcome to the conference hall. beautiful isn't it?" he said.

"beautiful? It's amazingly Remarkable!" I exclaimed, I was filled with awe. Everything inside here was unreachable for the rank below 25. How lucky am I?

"what number actually are you?" suddenly he asked. We walked to a boy, taller than him. He had light brown and curly hair. He, I did not know, had rosy cheeks. He was holding a piece of paper and seemed to memorizing a speech. He had to be number one! because he's going to give a speech. Oh my God!! I could not believe it in my whole life, I had to date somebody like him?! I was of course, so out of his league.

"i'm not in 25." i said. If we're not in 25, they would not tell us exactly our number.

"well, do you know what his name?" I asked pointing at the guy I would date.

"him? He's John." john? Oh well, what name did I expected from a nerd guy like him. His face reflected books he read. Full of words. I shook my head slowly, I could not believe this. Nick, was so cruel. But, did he really need me to date John, I meant he said I was beautiful, so, implicitly he meant that I could win the competition! Not to hurt his feeling, but, did John even worth to be chased? Oh great..

"hey? What's wrong? You seemed to be disgusted."

"oh! No, it's okay, I just don't feel quite comfortable in here.." I said, wondering around to find some evidence which might help to prove my comment. Ola la..

"After looking at his nervous face." I pointed at a fat boy who was squeezing his palm nervously.

"oh, okay, let's not talk about him." he laughed. I never knew that he would laugh like this.

"what?" he said suddenly.

"what what?" i asked back.

"you looked at me.. Like.. There's something in my face, is there anything?" he said doubtfully and wiped his face.

"oh, no.. No.. It's nothing." I said, embarrassed. He smiled and dragged me to the podium. As I climbed to the podium, everything was different, we were like the ruler or something at here. The feeling of self esteem and dignity was boosted by the aura of surrounding. It was just different.

"what's your name?" he asked suddenly.

"A..Anna" i tucked a flock of my hair behind my ear. Why did I become so nervous?

"Anna.. nice name."

"thank you. How about yours?"

"I'm Derrick." he said.

"derrick?" he nodded.

"are you the number two?" he shook his head

"number two is Lucy." I shrugged.

"well, it seems that our executives are strangers."

"invisible actually to me and the other non-executives." he chortled.

"you know, it's not fair for us, I mean we both live here, in this place in this A.C.A.. But what? We don't know anything about it." I complained. He's face suddenly turned to horror.

"what?" did I say something wrong? Or.. What happened?

"how do you know about A.C.A?" he turned to me, looking like he was going to kill me right away.

"A.C.A? What's that?" I tried to lie. Oh my stupid mouth.

"don't lie to me Anna, how can you know about A.C.A? You know something, don't you?"

"No.. No.. I.. I don't know what you're talking about."

"Anna, tell me the truth. I regard you as my friend now, I won't tell them." was he trying to lie to me? But he said he wouldn't tell anybody, was that true?

"look, if you don't tell me, everything will get worse, I will tell them you know something, and you'll be detained." he threatened me.

"o.. Okay.. I do know something about A.C.A.. It's just a.. A.. Secret organization, that's all I know. I don't know what it aims for. I just know that.. Nothing more." he nodded.

"could you please turn around for a second?" I did not know what he intended to do, so I turned around. Then I heard something being hit so hard and I felt an enormous feeling of pain in my nape then everything went black.

Shards of Lyrics - Love story

2011-08-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts

So we back in the club
Get that bodies rocking from side to side
Thank God the week is done
I feel like a zombie gone back to life

See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say “Hello …”

“What is someone like you doing in a place like this?
Say did you come alone or did you bring all your friends?
Baby what’s your sign tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine”

“Swear I’ve seen you before
I think I remember those eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes”

You're so hypnotizing
could you be the devil, could you be an angel
Your touch magnetizing
Feels like I am floating

I know you want me
and I make it obvious that I want you too

And even when you look away I know you think of me
I know you talk about me all the time again and again (again, again, again)

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your girlfriend

Let’s go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love

Boy, you're an alien
Your touch are foreign. It's supernatural
Extraterrestrial

I'm all strung up my heart is fried
I just can’t get you off my mind

Yeah, you said “Hey”
And since that day,
You stole my heart and you’re the one to blame

Boy, I think about it every night, and day
I’m addicted, want to jump inside your love

“You look so beautiful on this starry night
Loving the way the moonlight catches your eyes & your smile
I'm captivated”

We are more than just good friends
This is how the story ends

You & I
could be like Aladdin & Jasmine
let’s make it happen

We are in love, we rock each other’s world!

I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you’d kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something

Yeah the reason I love you is all that we’ve been through
And that’s why I love you

I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece
I’m complete

It’s been 5 years since that special day
“I guess it's safe to say
you look beautiful on our wedding day”

Midnight Blabbering.

2011-08-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody! I'm kind of having a mood swing right now and feel like to write, but not essay, oh please. I'm enjoying my holiday right now, but it's pretty boring. all of my friends are pretty busy with their university things. school starts in October FYI..
1. But then I still get something to do. I have backbone therapy appointment 5 times in a week, well the doctor said he could help me, so lucky me! haha
2. This following week, I'm going to spend 5 days at Jakarta. well, at least my holiday is not really bad, is it?
3. Although it seems like I can't wait to leave my hometown, I'm still afraid. I can't imagine myself,at the airport waving to my dad. (mom's coming with me to SG for 5 days).
4. Sometimes, I feel regret that I turned down UNPAD, because mom keeps on saying how cheap the school fees is compared to JCU's. but then, decision's been made. this is the best for me. and everybody has said it's a very good decision.
5. next, it might be a little bit surprising but I think I have a crush. a big crush. awww :) isn't it sweet? we're good friends now :) can't stop smiling. LOLLL
6. I watched Nigahiga's video over and over and over again, but I can't feel bored. you have to watch Agent of Secret Stuff (aka ASS) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMy-6RtoOVU it's fckin awesome! it's hillarious! c'mon go watch it, it worth your 35 minutes. then the Off the pill videos, Skitzo. oh gosh! I really like his vidoes! I'm a big fan!! :D
7. I'm really looking forward to September because it's Gossip Girl season 5 premiere!! can't waittttt. I miss Serena and Blaire so much! <3
8. I'm always hungry at this time (01.00 a.m.), but i'm too lazy to drag my butt down to have some snack, so I always sleep in hungry-ness
9. I love to watch CSI series, but it's hard to keep up, so many series. haha
10. I always check on my BB before I sleep, even if I'm not chatting or twitter-ing with anybody. it's just a habit.
11. I always check on astrology tweet, although I will only believe in the good tweets :)
12. I always sleep after midnight. my granny is complaining about that now. I wake up super later, at 9.
13. I'm carrying out a new investigation about Alien and UFO. I think they exist and they are so cool! I've been reading a lot posts about them.
14. I keep on dreaming recently, most of them are the times I'm still in high school. then nightmares. I was left alone, late for important examination, forgot to bring my ID when I was about to have a test, got bitten by snake, drowned and a lot more.
15. oh! I'm going to move to SG with my beloved cousin, Steven. :) but he's staying quite far from my hostel.
16. I don't know why the hell I'm numbering all of the things above.
17. I'm going to hit the sack.. after I make this post. probably

so, that's my routine for now andthe following month. *heave a long sigh*

Goodnight everybody, dream a lot of lollies :)

Spy To Love pt2

2011-08-25T06:11:00.000-07:00

Everything was dark. i didn't know why it was. I could feel nothing but chill ran through my spine. It was cold, and again I was all alone. I didn't know who I was. My name.. My name.. I tried hard to recall what people called me. My name.. They called me Anna.. Yes. And I am an ACA.

~~~

Suddenly I was inside water, I could feel my body was drowned and my hands and legs were tied up. I.. I couldn't breathe, water filled my nose my mouth. My lungs were burning. Something was thrusting my head. Then I felt something pulled my hair and my head up abruptly. I heard somebody spoke obliviously. What the hell was happening?! I was lifted from the water and my face was slapped. I chocked because of the water and I took a deep breath. I could not open my eyes. Damn it! Then my head was thrust back to water and lifted again, and got slapped. After those stupid torturing cycle, I finally managed to open my eyes. And I took stock. The lighting was bad. It was a light bulb which was covered with a half cone metal piece, being tied with its cable loosely on the ceiling. It swung here and there. It made me sicker. Everything surrounded me was made by metal. I guessed I was in a small chamber. Then I looked down, it was a metal tub with half-filled cold water inside.
"Stop.." I said weakly as my head was going to be pushed again in the water. It paused.
"Ah.. So you're awake!" I heard somebody's speaking in a weird accent. My weak body was dragged to somewhere else. My stomach was upset and I was going to throw up soon. Then suddenly, I was held up and placed in a metallic chair, in front of a big table. The Cold of the chair stabbed to my flesh and make my head muzzier. And I threw up. I did not know what I ate today, but I vomited out bitter yellow liquid on the table. I could not wipe my mouth for my hands were tied up behind. I was like drunken. My stomach later settled down itself. A man held my face and looked at me.
"Are you okay?" he asked. I shook my head weakly.
"Okay, now, start it." he, somehow, spoke to me, but not to me.
Then, the room became so bright. My wet hair slapped my face. My vision started to become clear. I was in a room, a man with suit walked to the chair and sat opposite me. He wore a brown hat. He had small but sharp eyes, a big and blunted nose. He sat there looking at me with.. I-don't-know-what grimace. He was like a stone, or whatever. Then, he moved. He put his hand to the table.
"Anna. Non-executive, 15, case? You know something which you're not supposed to know."
He looked disgusted when he looked at the bitter yellowish liquid. He waved his hand to call somebody, I did not know, may be somebody who stood behind me. Then I saw a man walked from behind me, I did not want to look at him anymore. His face made me wanted to cry. I did not know what kind of shirt he wore, it was all black. His face, eyes, made me wanted to vomit again. He was like.. So out of perspective. He wiped clean the table. The other grumpy man looked at me without any expression.
"Now, young lady, you have done a big mistake. How do you know about the A.C.A?"
I sat there gazing at nothing, and said nothing. What should I say? Raphael spilled it out? Impossible! He'd lose his head.
"Is it Raphael??" he asked. What?! I tossed my head up. He seemed to be able to read my reaction.
"so, it's Raphael." he said smiling at me. I tried to make a grimace.
"Who? Ra.. Raphael? Like the archangel?"
He laughed evilly.
"Don’t try to fool me, young lady, your eyes are telling the truth, you need thousands of years to finally lie to me. Look at you, pathetic, filthy piece of shit." he was trying to set me on fire. He sent me a death glare and it made me shivered.
"So, what do you get so Raphael can tell you?"
"I've told you, I don't know who Raphael is!" i managed to lie, despite the death glare.
"You get quite a pretty face, so, you seduced him, didn't you? Are you even a virgin?"
"I'm not a whore!!" I shouted at him. I wasn't a virgin?! It made me choked. I sharpened my eyes.
"now, tell me, how can Raphael tell you this?!" he became angry. What now? He was so damn annoying, what actually did he want? He was a big jerk, yeah! He was!
"I don't know!!"
PLAK!!
He slapped me, so hard that it left a biting and hot sensation. That's enough!
"That’s enough!! I don't know what you want! You just kidnapped me, pushed my head on the water and now you keep on saying something I don't understand!" he slapped me again until my head moved to the other side.
"I told you! I don't know anything!" he slapped again. He was a big jerk! Emotion burned me to ashes.
"You’re the biggest jerk I've ever known!!!" I shouted so loudly until I coughed.
"fine, if you don't want to say anything, then I will make you say everything." he smiled forcefully and commanded that pity man.
"Bring me the bat"
'Bat?' what did he plan to do?! That man went out from the room and came back with an iron bat. I could feel my lips dried out and my heart sank. No! He would hit me with that enormous iron bat. That pity man, i started to make him a nick name, went to my back and unclutch the handcuffs he locked my hands with his big hands instead. He pulled me backward, away from the chair and table. While the other frightening man walked to me swinging his bat behind him, I started to struggle tried to break free, although I knew it was useless. The first swing landed on my left leg. I could feel nothing but an intense pain struck into my bone and it left a throbbing sensation. I squeaked and fell to my feet.
"I don't know anything, you Idiot!!" I shouted as I regained my strength back. No, I knew, I would need it when the second swing hit me.
It landed on my shoulder. I shrieked in pain. I fell to other side. My breath was rushing, my gaze blurred. I didn't realize it until a drip of blood fell down. I guessed I bit my lips too hard.
"Now, do you want to say anything?" he asked.
"Ask your moron bloody big ass!!" I cursed. He hit me, over and over on my stomach, ribs, and chest. He stopped as I choked. Barely could I breathe. I could feel all my internal organs screamed in pain. I guessed he had broken my ribs.
"Now, young lady." he grabbed my flaming red hair and pulled my head up.
"Are you ready to speak?"
"No." I managed to reply him after a long silence."Okay then." he smile and kicked me on my stomach. It was too hard that I vomited. He hit me again, another blow. I heard my bones cracked. Oh my God. I didn't know what happened to me next.. I didn't feel anything at all. I shivered. I could hear my own breath. And my vision was getting whiter. I even felt like I was out of my body, separated. I thought I was dead.

~~~

As I regained my consciousness, I realized I was in a bed room, not an ordinary bedroom, it's for the single-digit.
"Hey, you're awake?" I saw his face. I knew who he was. He was the one who sent me to that monster. That eyes.. Hazel eyes. auburn-brown hair.
"You!! You!! Dumb ass!! Son of a bitch!" I shouted. I tried to say out all of the curses I knew. Suddenly I squeaked in pain. I thought I had broken my ribs.
"You’ve been passed out for two days.. And now, you blaspheme me?" he said, His eyes twitched as he heard my rude remark.
"Two.. Two days?!" I almost choked. He nodded. My heart sunk. What happened then to nick? To Raphael?
"What happened to me? And.. And.. Does.. Does anybody look for me?"
"You mean nick?" he asked.
"yes." my voice croaked.
"I told him not to worry about you. You're under my watch." I sighed. Maybe.. The plan was working well.
"To answer your previous question, I should sadly tell you that you developed fever, last night I couldn't sleep because you looked really horrible and mumbled in agony. You broke two of your ribs."
"Yeah.. Thanks to you, Bastard!" I didn't bother to look at him. My hands were once again tied up, so were my legs. And I realized now, I was lying on a bed.
"You’d better watched out, young lady for your words." but he smiled. I saw his hand reach into a metallic bucket. He squeezed a piece of cloth, water ran to the bucket. What did he intend to do?
"What are you doing?!" He slowly put that cold cloth on to my head.
"Ouch!" I squeaked. I didn't know that monster hit my head.
"You must be very stubborn." he said. He said this was my entire fault?! He was the one who.. Who.. Oh My head were spinning,. My blood felt like boiling.
"You are the one who causes this!!" he didn't reply.
"I was so stupid to trust you back there!!! You.. You.. Bastard!"
"Look. I didn't know he would beat you with that iron stick, so did our.. Headmaster. He luckily came by to that interrogation chamber and found you, half dead I guessed. Then he ordered Mr. Petrinkov to stop and asked me to.. Well.. Help you. Then they brought a doctor to see you. And why and how the hell do you know about ACA?" so that monster was Petrinkov.
"Why did he choose you?" I ignored his question.
"Because.." he stopped talking. He put that rug to the water and squeezed it and put back on my head. I locked our gaze.
"Because I am number one." I stopped breathing.
"You are what?!"
"You heard it." I was supposed to date this guy. Well, he was not bad at all. I could even say he was the best-looking boy I’d ever met.
"What’s your name? I supposed derrick wasn't your name at all.. Liar." he was surprised. My cheek blushed.
"Leon." he answered anyway.
"Is that a lie too?" I asked nonchalantly
"nope." he paused awhile "why would I lie to you again? After all of this." he must be lying.
"Your emotion suddenly shifts when you know who I am." I guessed he was going to ask me something.
"Why did our headmaster was so kind to me? Or you're actually have been told to hit me worse than that monster?!" I suddenly got mad.
"Easy.. Easy.. He didn't ask me to do that. He just asked me to.. Well. Guard you for a while." I rested my head on the bed and watched him did his job.
"You hit yourself pretty badly when you fell.."
"So, it wasn't him who hit my head?"
"No.. He wouldn't do that."
"But he almost killed me!"
There was a long silence. He looked at me, looked at my tied up body. His finger ran to the zipper on my suit. He unzipped it a little and looked at me.
"What the hell are you doing?!! Stay away from my body! You have two days time to do that when I was fainted but why do you want to do it now?!" his eyes twitched again.
"I respect you. I want you to know whatever I do to your body. Let me take care of you."
"No! I won't let you." he unzipped it lower until I could feel slight wind soothed my chest.
"Stop it!!! He didn't ask you to do that!"
"No, he didn't but.. i want to heal your wound. I was the one who sent you to him anyway."
"So this is your sorry?! Go die, bastard!!" he unzipped lower until its end, On my waist. His emotion changed when he looked at my body.
"I am really sorry." he said. It must be my body. He put that rug on my bruise I guessed. I liked the sensation. i relaxed and lied my head once again on bed.
"You haven't answered my question."
"What question?"
"How do you know about us?" chill ran to my spine. I shouldn't tell him. No.
"I know nothing about ACA okay?? Just the name!"
"Do you think I believe you?"
"Fine! It’s up to you, Leon!"
"You know something more than that." yes, he's right. He rubbed my bruise gently. He touched it, soothed it. Then I thought I fell asleep, forgetting that I was half naked.

~~~

I woke up in darkness. This comfort bed and smooth blanket did make me almost forgot where I was. My hand and legs were still tied up. Where was Leon? I moved my body to the other side. There.. There he was, sleeping next to me. I didn't want to go away, sneak out. I felt this peace. We were so close that I could feel his warmth. I could see the blanket which covered us moved up and down. Our rooms were not fully dark that you couldn't see anything. It had few small, gloomy lights on every edge of the room. I smelled his.. Soap.. I didn't know.. But it smelled good.
"You’re awake, peaches?" suddenly he opened his eyes and said. I was too shocked to say anything.
"Surprised, eh?" he flipped the blanket and walked down from the other side of the bed. I turned my body to see wherever he went.
"Ouch" I growled when I lay on my back and my hand touched my back. I wasn't fully recovered. He switched on the lamp. I always loved the way this ACA designed the lighting. It would grow brighter every 5 minutes and it would give us enough time to adapt to brightness.
"Just don't move yet." he said. I was just to shocked to look at his.. Half naked body. Although we lived here, shaded from what they called sun, he had a very nice skin tone. He must had gone up there.. To the land. His bare chest moved up and down when he breathed.
"What are you looking at?" he smiled. I rolled my eyes and looked away. He went inside the bathroom. I tried to move my body. With this kind of condition, my hands were tied behind it made my stiffened. My left shoulder was still aching. Oh, I must be very great at enduring pain remembering I wore that piece of tight suit. I looked down.
"Leon!!! What have you done to me!!!" . He didn't reply. I didn't wear that suit. I was wearing a loose black sweatshirt. I thought it was Leon’s. Now I realized how big his body was. I was small. He had a wide shoulder and small waist. The masculine scent of his shirt made me fly. I looked a little bit down. I wasn't wearing any trousers, well, this shirt was long enough for me. I couldn't see the clock because it was put above the bed and I couldn't just moved my head up.
A moment later I heard he went out from the bathroom. I turned my head to see him. He just wore a new piece of his combat trousers. He walked to his wardrobe and draw out another shirt. Where did he get this long sleeve sweatshirt? Oh I remembered. He was number one. In the mission, leader of a group usually wore long sleeved shirt, because he had a lot more equipment to hold than his peers.
"Where’s my suit?" I asked impatiently.
"Oh.. I don't know." he smiled and looked at me, but suddenly he burst into laughing. His voice was very clear and..
“you’re blushing” he said. What?!
“No! I’m not!” I denied. I realized my face was getting hotter. He smiled again.
"Stop that smile. Now, release me." he looked at me.. Slowly.. Down to my body and up again to my eyes.
"Maybe you should ask how I could manage to change your cloth."
"You, bastard!" I felt my face turned red. He laughed.
"Don’t worry. I wasn't interested in the curve of your body." oh this guy really!!
"or your.. Bre--" before he could finish his word I silenced him with the worse curse I'd ever said. I didn't even know if this word existed. His eyes widened in surprised. I smiled in satisfaction. But few seconds later he smiled and walked nearer.
"I warn you!! Don't go nearer or--"
"Or what? Another Curse?" his smile got widened. I didn't have anything to threaten him. He sat beside me and bent down. No.. He was so near.. I could feel his breath.
"Oh, peaches.. Your rude remark has hurt me. Well, I am supposed to get your.. At least a 'thank' for treating your wound and changing your cloth so that you can feel more comfortable. You looked suffering yesterday." well, he was right.. But.. He changed my cloth without my permission!
"You said you respected me."
"I’ve already seen you half naked, and I didn't do anything further. Besides, you were fast asleep." yes, he was right, I fell asleep yesterday and he was just helping me.. but still.. I stopped fighting with myself. He didn't leave me naked after all.
"I.." I didn't dare to look at him. From this spot I could see his chest moved up and down stuck to his black sweatshirt.
"Thank you, Leon." I managed to say. He smiled. He lifted up my chin.
"You’re welcome." he said slowly. I looked at his lips and to his eyes. Oh no.. I shouldn't do that.
"Don’t look at my lips, otherwise I will kiss you."
"Don’t seduce me!!" I shouted.
"i think You should prepare your equipment now. Otherwise you'll be late."
"No, I won't. I woke up earlier to tease and seduce you." he bent lower to kiss my cheek. I hoped he hadn't felt my face hot. It sent me shivered to my whole body.
"Stop that! Don't take my condition for granted!" he smiled and stood up. My body was screaming wanting him back.
"How’s your wound?"
"i don't know.. It still hurts. Could you please release my hand?" i begged. He sighed.
"Okay. But promise me, you just have to let me to heal you before you attempt to escape." how.. How could he know?!
"Surprised? I'm not called number one for nothing."
"You.. You can read my mind?" I said still in surprised. Then he might know how much I wanted to kiss him!
"Why? You’re too embarrassed to let me know how much you want to kiss me? " Oh God!
“NO I DON’T!” he smiled.
“yes, you don’t” He took a bucket of water from the bathroom. Later, He took the old rag and squeezed it. He put in on a table beside the bed. I moved back so he could untie my hand and he did it. But he used one hand to keep my body lying and the other hand to take the rag. He squeezed it on my forehead.
"It looks awful. Does it hurt?" he asked.
"Yeah. How awful does it look?" he made his move more gently. He didn't answer. He moved his hand to the bucket. While the other hand pulled my shirt.
"Put off your shirt."
"What?! I don't wear any pants!" he growled.
"You wear your underwear!"
"Yeah, so what?! I'm still naked!"
"Oh, c'mon. I changed your cloth yesterday, and I've seen you half naked! Moreover i don't have a day time to serve you."
"Then don't!"
"You.. You.." he just pulled up my.. His sweatshirt but not until my chest.
"You pervert!!" I tried to hit him but his strong hand locked my movement.
"I will tie you back once I see you move, Even an inch. And I'm not giving you an empty threat." he was serious. I nodded in vain. He looked through my body.. Inch to inch. He put the cold rug on my bare skin. It sent me Goosebumps. He sighed in despair after looking at my bruises.
"I'm sorry." he said. I tried to look down. I didn't recognize my own body. It was badly wounded. My pale body was like a canvas which was randomly colored by black and blue..
"I don't know it was so awful.” I said. That was why it hurt so badly.
"I want to see my leg." I said. He pulled down the blanket. I gasped. Oh my God! That's the reason why i couldn’t stand. My ankle and my knee were badly hurt. They were swollen.. Blue.. Black.. I laid back my head to the pillow. I didn't want to see my bruise.. No I didn't want to.
"I think that you should go now.. You have a mission to be done." I said. He nodded and left the old rug on the table. He went to his wardrobe. He took out and wore his bulletproof vest, extra pocket for ammunition and so on and so on. He lifted up the blanket until it covered me properly. I didn't even want to look at him. I didn't want him to feel sorry about my condition. He left.

~~~

Time moved so slowly. Leon didn't even leave me with foods. I was damn hungry. I looked at the clock 8 in the evening. I had to feed myself! I moved down, letting my feet touched the floor. I tried to stand up. And the sudden pain struck me. The pain was throbbing in my knee and ankle. I grabbed the table strongly. I had to stand, to walk.. Finally, after several times I moved my leg, I managed to walk a step. I panted heavily, sweat drenched my whole body. I tried to find a trouser to wear. It must be too loose for me.. But I had to get out. In the end I wore my old tight suit. I, fortunately knew that every person of us were given a sword with its cap. I searched through his wardrobe and took it. It would help me to walk. Then.. I walked outside.

~~~

I didn't know exactly where I was. I sighed. I had never been here. Where was I supposed to go? My legs were shouting in pain. I panted heavily. I should really take a rest. I leaned against the metallic wall. But, I saw somebody walked from the stair on the corner. I was shocked overnight. Oh gosh! If anybody found me here, then I would be dead! I was so dead! I looked around; I could hear the footsteps were getting nearer. Then, I found a room beside me; I tried to open the door. But it was locked. Oh no!! He was slowly visible.. No.. No.. I would be caught and.. And worse, locked up somewhere and died!. Leon was not here. No.. No.. That man walked approached me with confused gaze. I bet He didn't know me, if he did, he would directly capture me. I relieved a bit. He had a bald head which was covered by a black scarf. He was much more looked like Petrinkov.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. C'mon, think.. Think.. Think!!!
"I.. Um.. I.." I looked away from his eyes.
"You what?" he bent down.
"I.. Um.. Leon.. Asked me to.. He.." he looked at the sword.
"oh!! That sword." he exclaimed. I was surprised.
"Does he need it?"
"y-yes" I nodded.
"But they just left." my heart sunk. What should I say?
"Okay.. I’ll send you to him." WHAT?!!!!
"But.. You said.. He has.. Just.." I was too shock to say a full sentence.
"Then, we are going out. You're his new assistance, aren't you?"
"Ne-new?"
"You don't know about that? His old assistance.. Disappeared in a mission." suddenly his face grew darker. How could she disappear in a mission?
"well, c'mon.." he led the way. He walked so fast, well, I was the one walked too slow. I barely called myself walked. I was just moving my leg and didn't go any further.
"Anyway, what's your name?" he asked. Should I lie? He must have known everybody's name here.
"Anna." he smiled. Did he know who I was? He peeped back.
"What happened to you?" he looked surprised. My head was spinning.
"Can.. Can you walk?" he asked worriedly. No, I couldn't! Help me!
"I can.. But slowly.. I got sprained in the previous mission."
"Oh really?!" he stopped walking and faced me. He bent down and took off my shoes.
"wh-what.." he looked at my ankle.. Both of my ankles.
"Oh my God.. What did they do to you?!" he gasped. What should I say? I bit my lower lips. Who were 'they' anyway?
"I sprained them while.. Running." I sat down. He looked at me confusedly. He was trying to say 'how the hell you sprained BOTH of your ankles?'
"Yes, both of them." I nodded. He took out a white cloth. He tore it apart and wrapped it around my ankle.
"There. You'll feel better."
"Thank you. I haven't known your name."
"Call me Bob." I smiled.
"Thank you Bob." he lifted me up. He wrapped his arm around me and supported me. I didn't know there was a kind-hearted person like him in here. We walked to i-didn't-know-where. He just led me through alleys and alleys different pathways. Then suddenly we stopped at the dead end. He tapped his hand on the wall.
"Why are we here?" he looked confused. Uh oh.. Why was I so stupid?
"I think you don't notice where we are." he hold his smile. I pretended to look around.
"oh.. Yeah sure." I said hesitantly. I didn't know where I was. Oh God, help me! I bit my lower lips again. Suddenly the wall moved. Wh-what on earth was happening? Then I saw a dark and long tunnel. There was a rail on the ground. We walked inside. Where were we going? I trembled. Then I saw a wagon and old rusty wagon. He held me up and dropped me inside it.
"I can't help you any further, Anna, 15 Non-executive. I have my duty." he smiled. I went pale. He knew me.. He knew me.
"now is your choice, go 'find' leon.. Or stay here?" he asked. I.. Thought I should tell Nick first. But Maybe this was my last chance to see the world. This was my last chance.
"I will go.."
"go then, but I have to tell you something. Outside there, you can't find any security; it's a chaos, a nightmare. I know you want to be out of here, you're just like me on your age. Just make sure you find Leon, he wouldn't be any far out there." he smiled.
"why.. Why do you help me?"
"i don't know.." he smiled and pulled a lever which made the wagon moved.
"go find Leon! And come back safely!" he shouted.
~~~
The tunnel was quite long. I sat down, but I couldn't feel relieve. I was terribly afraid and shocked. I was going to see the outer world. 15 years, I'd been abducted and lived inside a headquarter. Underground. Now it's my time to go outside, my.. Real world. I clutched to the sword. Why did Leon leave this? And why did he leave the door unlocked? As if he wanted me to escape. I closed my eyes. The rail didn't seem to have an end. Wherever I would go, didn't matter anymore..
~~~
It was all white again. But I could see my hands, my legs.. Then come a man in black. No, I couldn't see his face, but he offered his hand to me. He said something. What? I couldn't hear it! But he tapped me on my head. He held my hands. He lowered his lips to my ear.
"you are Anna. Welcome to your new home."

My Beloved Spine.

2011-08-10T22:15:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody! Guten Tag! Bonjour!여보세요 (I don't know what the heck that is, i get it from Google translate).

Okay, so I just got back from an appointment with a doctor, uh.. Well, he's a Chiropractic consultant. I don't know what that is, just Google it anw. All that I know about him are, his name is Gordon Morrish, he's very friendly, he's an Australian, but he's been in Indonesia for 6 years. He can speak Indonesian, little bit Hokkien and Chinese and absolutely English. So, okay, back to me. We did an intensively check up through my back bone. He’s like sort of pressing my back here and there, winding my neck, waist, and my back to front, back, left and right. That was very quick. Then he started to talk. What we're looking for is the effect of scoliosis. As you all know, I suffer a so-called scoliosis ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scoliosis ) my spine curves 25 degree to the right.

The thing is, I've ever get myself checked three times in Singapore and Penang (twice in penang, once in SG). The doctor in Penang told me that everything was just fine, nothing to be worried about, I didn't have to undergo surgery, but I am suggested to X-ray my spine once a year, to see if it's progressing or not. Thankfully, it isn't. I asked him

"what should I do to get my bone straight back?"

He just suggested swimming. I trust him. I went to swim then a year after that I got back there, it's still 25. I heaved a sigh of relieved. a year later, I went to SG, to have another check up. And surprisingly, the doctor said it was some kind of.. Inborn, congenital, umm.. It’s in my body since I was born, the previous doctor even didn’t mention about that. He said maybe it is my sitting behavior, or other outer-body influences. Then I asked the same question I asked the previous doctor

"Can it be cured somehow? Can it get straight back?"

Frankly speaking, it's a desperate question, wasn't it? I was like developing a stage 4 cancer and asking the doctor if I could survive. Who doesn't want to be normal? I mean, your body, who doesn’t want to have a normal body. You don’t have to suffer several back pain, worry about your progressing scoliosis, or whatever? Then, the doctor said

“No, there’s no way you can get your bone straight.”

“No way? I can’t be normal again?”

“unless you undergo surgery, but I warn you it’s a big surgery.”

I don’t know if he just wanted me to undergo unnecessary and risky surgery just to add his pocket money or what. But I just feel so hopeless so drowned. I won’t be a normal person anymore. I won’t be. I wanted to cry, to shout, to slap his face until he said he could heal me. At least he could help me. That what are doctors for, right? Diagnose and heal? Not to give me dead sentence, right? I was so frustrated. I was. I couldn’t forget his remarks. But I continue swimming when I have my school holiday.

Then, about Gordon. He told me this

“I don’t want to say beautiful words just to make you happy. Okay? I want to say whatever it is. The thing is, scoliosis is not an easy case. It is difficult.” My heart sank.

“25 degree is a little bit out of ‘small case’. Because your spine is not just curve to the right or left, your spine, curves like a spiral. That makes it so complicated.” I was drowned. I felt my eyes were teary.

“but still, I want to look at your x-ray result” (I didn’t take it, I forgot)

“I’ve ever dealt with this kind of case, and my patient is almost has a straight spine back. That is why, I want to see your X-ray result, whether, I can still help you or not.

“there is still a hope. Your doctors just help you to not get your spine’s getting worse, not to heal it. But I’m here to help you. There’s still a hope you can get your spine back to normal.” really felt I wanted to cry. He wants to help me. I know scoliosis isn’t an easy stuff, but I’ll give all my efforts to get my backbone to normal. he said there’s still a hope for me. There is.

'I LOVE YOU' in Asia

2011-08-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

Bonjour Paris.. okay, good morning everybody!! TEEHEE
haha! I'm just recenly so addicted to Nigahiga (http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=nigahiga&aq=f). he's like the most subscribed youtub-ber in.. youtube. He's AWESOME!! check out his videos guys! I tell you, you will regret if you don't! 'well, just kidding, but seriously.' (LOL! I quote him! I quote him!)
okay, i should stop being so random in morning. now, the thing is, 'I LOVE YOU' in Asia. no, it's not the romantic man-and-woman, lady-and-gentleman, father-and-mother, director-and-secretary, cat-and-dog, cow-and-frog, etc. 's love. it's the LOVE between parents and their kids.

I've watched a loooooooooooooot of western movies, and I almost watched, a father or a mother said "I love you" to their kids before they went to school or before they went to sleep, in every single movie. then I read novels and books, most of western people do that to their kids. and their kids also do the same, kiss their parents back, bla bla bla. now, what about Asian people?
I've carried out an investigation.. in my surroundings, my family, my friends, my pets, and found out that most of us, never tell our mothers how much we love them, let alone our fathers. I myself, also never do that! well, I've done it once to my mother. and mom was so shocked that she stopped doing whatever she did to scrutinize me, then when she found her words back, the first thing she told me was "are you insane?". oh gosh.

wait, they also never say how much they love us, our parents. "Winnie, we love you". never, and I think it's a little bit awkward. well, of course I told my ex how much I loved him, and I didn't feel that 'awkward' compared to when I told my mother. and my ex didn't say that I was insane. that isn't fair. you may be thinking, so what do I usually do in Mother's day and Father's day? okay, in Mother's day, I used to give mom flowers or cakes, but she said "I'm bored of these things already, besides, it's just a waste of money", so, now, we just go to have dinner wherever she wants. and there is no "I love you, mom" in the end of the day. i know, it's kind of harsh, isn't it? but my sister and I hugged her in the morning and greeted her "happy mother's day". well, we also do the same thing in her birthday, but we change "happy mother's day" to "happy b'day mom, always be healthy".
what about father's day? you all know I'm... slightly closer to my father, so sometimes, I may kiss his cheek in his birthday. my father is overweight, so in father's day or his b'day, we have our family diet! haha, we don't eat something oily. just healthy foods. we also ever bought an.. something like a charter, a display, an award.. emm.. which has something scraped on it. the words are "THE WORLD'S BEST DAD" haha!
but anyhow, I don't mention that Asian parents don't love their kids, NO! my parents love me, they don't tell me that, but they show it. they now what colors I like the most, i hate the most, foods I like the most, I hate the most, drinks, teddies, novels, books, sandals, backpacks, handbags, lotions, everything! even I never tell them exactly! I never say "I like red colors! I like bananas, plums, kiwis" no, never. but somehow they can know it. and they understand me more than I understand myself! even my mom knows my love life, and my dad too. i think.. they are so cool! and I'm sure this also happens to my friends, my other families, and my pets. TEEHEE!! we just simply don't need words so show how much we love somebody, we show it. awwwww :) my parents are just so sweet.

love you mom and dad!!!

Am I ready?

2011-07-22T05:44:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody, so eventually I choose Singapore over Bandung, after being through a lot of considerations and.. several splitting headache. haha.. okay, for sure, I'm not going to stay in my lovely hometown, Medan. Am I ready? No. simple, a BIG NO.

Oh Gosh! I really really really never live alone without anybody I know, doesn't matter if it's my mom, or dad, or granny, or my sister, or best friend, or friend, or long lost cousin, or any relatives, or my teddies (oh I'm going to take them anyway) or.. whoever! I'm freaked out now!! even though I'll be leaving in October, but I can feel the homesick now. I don't have any slightest idea of how horrible I will feel later. this imaginative feeling is even now succumbing my lungs! I've read through N's blog. well, she's even worse there, in Aussie, so far from our hometown. everything's different there and she has to adapt. but still I'm afraid.

First of all, I will sleep alone, well with my teddies by my side, but still.. no breathing thing will stay by my side.. uhh.. don't count small and disgusting creatures (such as cockroaches, lizards, frogs.. uhh. maybe no frogs). hmm.. I haven't thought about roommate, it hasn't come across my imagination. but still, will they be good to me? or she be good to me? will she bully me? will she look down on me or what..
then secondly, I'm so not discipline. I eat when I remember, I mean if I am hungry and my it's so messed up. this holiday time, I have my breakfast at 10 in the morning, then lunch at 4. my dad keeps on getting angry of me because of that. then I don't take my pills regularly. and now, I'm having.. uhh.. flu. I don't know why, I'm not worn out recently, I just stay at home, doing nothing, but how can I catch a cold? my mom asked me what I would do if I get sick there. i didn't say anything, but I wrote more medicines in my list. if it worsens, maybe I'll take the earliest plane and head home. haha.. just in case.
A third, I'm not used to wash my own clothes (I don't even know how to use washing machine, all that I know about it is it always has a good smell.) okay, I've made up my mind that I will only take T-Shirts and pants, will try to avoid jeans (but it's impossible), some dresses (these one will absolutely go to laundry). and one experience from my friend, if the laundry place is crowded. don't put in your branded clothes if you don't wanna lose them and only get like $3 for your payback.
Next, I don't wanna leave my hometown. yeah, I know, it's my mistake, I've been too stubborn not to listen to mom when she insisted me to choose Medan over Bandung, but I picked Singapore finally. I do feel slightly regret.. but it's my life now, maybe it's my time to be independent. maybe it's time to grow up. end of easy and full-of-protection-and-serving life now. goodbye lalaland, it's time to wake up. I was like kept in a golden cage, I dreamt about freedom, live out there. I fought and I won, I wanted to break free. I love it here, but I just wanna leave this place, wanna see outer world. I wanna flap my wings, like an eagle, as fast as I can, higher, higher, live without any boundary, further, further, feel the limitless. discover something new. and finally, it's my time. I fly, fly away, as fast as I can, as high as possible like I thouch the sky. though storm may be on my way, but I'll break it through. however, some part of me feel something's missing. I miss it down there, the scent of morning dew, the smell of the green grasses. I miss how flowers bloom in the beginning for spring, water hit the shore, and walk through the sandy beach under the hot sun in summer, the leaves fall one by one, the beautiful sky of autumn, and the snow melt in my hand.

some people say "grass is always greener on the other side". it's true, even if we're 'on the other side' we will still feel the same. when we're down there, we wanna fly up and up, but when we're up there, we wanna go down and down. life's funny. that's why, I wanna try to see that my grass is always greener than the other side. I'll stop to complain! *fingercrossed* TEEHEE!!

Quote-Licious

2011-07-15T05:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Liltte Sister

2011-07-07T19:32:00.000-07:00

I dedicated this post to my sister, cynthie.

Dear, sister.

I know, I'm the greatest pain in your ass. Dad's always comparing things between us, but you know he's just teasing. I'm so proud that you made a great job in the previous semester, I'm so happy for you. okay, just let me hit the topic.
I love you, you know that. you're also part of me, part of my life. every decision I made, I always thought about you, put you in my prioritize list. and about your harsh remarks last time, it did hurt me, but it did open my eyes. maybe you know things in the family better than me, maybe mom and dad don't wanna tell me something, but you know it. maybe that's why you told me that.
I know you also want to study overseas or something. I know you also want to achieve things like I did. everything in our family is always fair and square. when this kind of problems hit us overnight, I don't know what I am supposed to do. the problem is, maybe if I take this chance, there's nothing more left for you. When you said that you also wanted to study abroad, I realized we have the same dream. I just don't want to be a wall, separating you from your dreams. I don't want to deprive you from what you want. it's my bad that I couldn't get scholarship or stgh. so, what should I do? If I just think about myself, what about you? what about your dreams? we have the same blood that runs through our vessels, we're the same, you're part of me, how can I do that to you? but if I give up, what about myself?
but.. I think you maybe deserve more than I do, maybe it's time for me to relent( I don't know the correct vocab), I'm your older sister. you know I'll do everything just for your sake and you'll do the same for me.

Love, Winnie

A Complete Stranger and Harsh Remarks

2011-07-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

Hi bloggers, good morning :) Okay, I'm facing a terribly huge dilemma.

First of all, I passed the SNMPTN (Indonesia's universities entrance examination). Hooray for me. I'm happy but that's just it. I got acceped into UNPAD (Bandung). so my mom and I went to Bandung to pay a visit to the universities at 3th of July. the University is very very good. it's so so wide and nice. the weather over there is also very nice. everything overthere is quite good, I don't know about the local people, but everybody keeps on assuring me that I don't have to be afraid of them. everything's just fine, until we went to look for a place to stay. we've found a room to rent, not to far from the college, but too far to walk, so I should hitch-hike or use public transportation. okay, forget about the hitch-hike. the room is quite nice, it's brand new. but then, when my mo told me "okay, you go from here, call an 'angkot' or 'ojek' then go to here, there.. bla2.. and you can buy food from there, there and there."
when she told me that, suddenly I felt so alone, all by myself and.. I'm a complete stranger to this place. I know nothing! I can't imagine myself wake up all by myself, eat by myself and go to school by myself. it's too fast, I'm so damn afraid. I've never left home before and it made me even not sure if I can do everything all by myself. I know, I will soon leave home, but still..
my granny is also worried sick about me. then my next option is Singapore, James Cook University (JCU). it's bloody expensive. I know many positive things about it and so on, and so on, but something which holds me back to go there is the 'price' I should pay. it's like 38 folds more than in Bandung. then my sister's remarks came across my mind. I'm so damn afraid that they have to sacrifice their living convinience because of me. I'm so afraid that I'll deprive her chance to study higher or to achieve her dream. I know she has a dream too, like me. but if she sacrifices her dreams just because she knows I want to go to sg, I can't forgive myself. but if I go to sg, I'll get wider connection, involved in wider community. all my hard works will get appreciate more. it's so many benefits I know, but it also has drawbacks. all of these Ideas keep on bumping in my mind.. I can't make decision. my dad told me that, whatever I chose, he's okay with that. like my mom too, they kept on telling me, it's okay. but I know it's just not.

Ten facts !

2011-06-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

10 facts about me are :

1. I suffer from scoliosis and it's a disease. so basically, my back bone curves until it looks like 'S' shape. it is an incurable disease (not quite disease actually, it's some kind of disorder) there's no medicine can heal it but surgery, it's a big and risky one.
2. umm.. I sleep with my amma (grandma). because.. she sleeps alone haha. and because I'm closer to her, ever since I was a kid.
3. I have 3 besties, they are Nathali (N), Desilia (D) and Yolita (Y). we four make a group named with "THE BEBEKS" (the ducks). kind of weird, no? hahaha.. our official song is 21 Guns and we used to stand up in chairs and sing this song. now that we've graduated, I'll still keep the video guys! watch it every night before you sleep!!
4. I have an Uncle, who basically provides me with the latest gadget. haha. he gave me this lappie I'm using right now, and a blackberry. Thank you so much, Uncle Edi! I know this post isn't enough to thank you. hehe
5. I was used to be very very chubby. I wore specs every day and I had braces on my teeth. I do really looked like "Betty Lafea" HAHAHA. I've changed dramatically, both physic and mental. I was an introvert girl who closed everything up. I didn't tell anybody about the real me. and I didn't have self-confidence. I was very pathetic.
6. One thing that still sticks in my mind is my mom's remark. she said "your first aunt has a daughter to be proud of, your second aunt has a son to be proud of, your third aunt has a daughter to be proud of, your uncle has a son to be proud of. but I don't have anybody to be proud of." I was not even 10 at that time. but this remark will always drive me to do better. I'll prove to her that she was drunken or sgth when she said that.
7. oh! I'm good in forgetting things and crying. I have a story. after the bell had rung, I was ready to to home, but when I was out side the school, I checked my bag once again and I didn't see my cellphone! I was like panicked. luckily, "THE BEBEKS" helped me to find it. so we decided to get back to class and check. we found nothing I was like "geez.. where did I put it? why am I so stupid?" then I took out a bag of lunchbox (it's my lunchbox, which is put inside a bag), I unzipped it and found my cell there. I remembered Instantly that after the bell rang, I quickly packed all my things and put my cell in it. I... didn't know why i did that. while the crying things? my dad calls me "crying queen". what the heck?!
8. I am actually close to both of my parent, but in front it looks like I'm closer to my dad. he always teases my sister that she was adopted or stgh like that. but she doesn't really mind at all. he always points me as his daughter and points my sister as sometimes his son, or somebody we don't know. ahahhahah.. I know my pa is very proud of me and I'm happy Because of that.
9. I'm having a diet. not... quite usual diet, but I avoid to eat spicy food. haha.. I'm actually doing an observation. after a month, I start to eat something spicy and I find out that my ability in consuming spicy food decreases. maybe it has something to do with our neural system and brain and endorphins.
10. I am a Buddhist, and I'm so sleepy right now. hahhahah 10 facts aren't enough actually for me. LOL! alright. ciao!

That's it. The reason of this post is because I am tagged by Stevanie Wu, thanks for tagging ! So the rules of this tagged-and-do-tag-thing are (I'm just copy pasting ! one of my hobby!)

-each tagged person must tell 10 facts about himself/herself

-you got to choose and tag 10 people

-go to their blog and tell them that you've tagged them

-don't tag back

-enjoy!

I'd like to tag: Brenda Zhuo, Desilia Nilam, Rita Juliana Surastio, Jeannifer Jillian, Nathali Christy, Rita Juliana Surastio, Irene Tan, Karen Kusuma , Winny Teh, and Alendory :)

We have the right to dream.

2011-06-23T07:48:00.000-07:00

Today is the second outreach! YEAH! hahha.. finally all my stuffs are done in time.
OH! I've forgotten to tell you how the orphanage is. it's beyond your nightmare!!! oh, I'm not gonna scare you. but it's true! they use well instead of faucet to get water. the water is very bloody dirty! it's MUDDY and OIL-Y. what the hell?! the water purifier is also very very small! it can take like hours for them to get clean. the bathrooms are also very poor! they don't have light inside, so it was very dark. so horrible. can't imagine if I had to stay there, even for a day! most of all, they DON'T brush their teeth, they DON'T have any dustbin, I think they even DON'T use a real soap for bath! fortunately we donate them tooth brushes and soaps. *relieved*

okay, today we divided them into two groups, the older and the younger groups. I went to the older one, because I knew a lot of their activities. I have 10 people in my group. firstly, we gave each of them the career test I made. we explained it to them one by one. and after they finished it, I went outside with JA to check their answers while they did other activity. Edric asked them to make a life graph. it's like their past. then, here comes the presentation time.

so, a girl sat beside me, she started to open her door to let us in, to let us see what exactly did happen to her. so, she said "when i was 1-5, I was very happy because I still could stand beside both of my parent. then my life became perfect when my sister came to this world. I was very very happy." we were like guessing, what had actually happened in her life. she said that later her parent were fighting and they lived separately for a week, but then they reunite again. everything was so nice and so good, until ,maybe she said she was 8 or 10 i've forgot about that, in November, she lost her sister and in the same year, she lost her grandfather. she lost her sister who she loved the most. she said "it was very difficult to lost two of your dearest in the same year." it was very sad. she cried and I cried too.. haha.. I cried the most actually in this activity. then, her parent sent her to Medan. I didn't know why and did not dare to ask her. later she was very happy when she graduated from JHS.

most of their story was like hers, but some are a little bit more worse and some are better. one of them were tortured by her grandparent, and her parent left her. now she's still wondering why they did that and still thinking of them. I couldn't believe why they had to throw her away. if they couldn't afford her, why did the hell they get married and have her?! it's kind of cruel. the feeling of being unwanted hurts her a lot and it'll stay there haunts her dream every night.

after this activity, I told their result one by one to them , cause it's a bit personal, hehe sounds like I'm an expert. hahaha.. but overall, I'm so happy that most of the results really suit them! YAY! so JA and I was like keeping on motivating them. I told all of them not to be afraid to dream high. it's not their fault that they are like this now, but it is their fault if they keep on being like this in their whole life. they have the chance to change that, they have something in themselves that still drives them to live in this world. they have rights to dream! and nobody, NOBODY can ever stop them from dreaming, can ever stop them to reach their cita-cita. if it's not the time, then someday, one day, they'll be successful and wonderful people. they deserve that!

Later, we watched a video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQPmY4nIjVE&feature=related) about Nick Vujicic (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Vujicic). It was in English, so Eric, Hady and I made the sub! wow! that's pretty amazing! we three made a great job! HAHA! it's a very inspiring video. first when i watched it, I cried a lot. you should really watch it! Nick purposely fell down, facing down and he said this

"but i tell you there's sometime in life, when you fall down, and you fell like you don't have the strength to get back up. do you think you have hope? because I tell you, I'm down here, face down, and I have no arms nor legs, it should be impossible for me to get back up, but it's not. you see, I will try 100 times to get up and If I fail 100 times, if I fail and I give up, do you think that I will ever get up? NO! but if i fail, i'll try again, again and again. but I just want you to know that it is not the end. it matters how you're gonna finish. are you gonna finish strong? and you'll find that strength to get back up.like this" then he got up. he stood. it was very very inspiring video. wow thumbs up!

after this one, we asked them to draw out what they are going to be. the funny thing about this is, there's a girl, she wanted to be a doctor, so she drew doctor in the paper, but I didn't know why she wrote my name in it and wrote something, she didn't the presentation, so i didn't know. I am flattered for sure, haha! i don't know why she did that though.

end of the post, end of a very inspiring day ;)
goodnight everybody

Love,
Winnie Illona

Everybody has his own background.

2011-06-21T06:49:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody! I'm as busy as a bee recently. omg! still have an essay to be done! go die!!! asdfghjkl!! I don't know what am I supposed to do now. there's alooooooooooooooooooot of stuff I have to prepared. I have to make career test, some kind like a questionnaire to the panti children. and.. it really is a brain-cracking one. so difficult! never done it before! but, I have to do it. it's MY field any way.. haha.. but that's not the main point of this post.

yesterday, we had an outreach to the panti asuhan. it was very cool but very exhausting. we had a task to teach the children about sanitation and health matters. D and I got the task to explain about "throwing trash into the right place" so, we're kind of explained those things for 5 times! and got really exhausted. because we had to shout!! we had to be very creative and careful in explanation and we had to be very interesting!! oh it's very very exhausting but after we saw they smiled, our weariness seemed to vapor away! hahaha..

anyway, at the end of the day, Imelda, Edric, Adeline and her sister Adriana and I were waiting fo Edric car to fetch us home. so we sat there with the bapak panti and had a chit chat. then we came out with a quite rude and nude question
"what really is the reason for you that you want to be bapak panti?"
then the answer was really surprising. he said that when he was pretty young, his parent expelled him from his home, because he wanted to be a pastor. now, what's the connection? it turned out that his parent never agreed with his decision. he had his "calling" but his parent kept on saying no. but he never gave up. so his father was like saying "okay, do whatever you want but just leave home". so finally he found a job and he school-ed himself for three and a half year. and finally, he became a pastor. later on, he realized, there were so many homeless children and children, whose parents couldn't afford to school them or even feed them. so, he was touched and decided to bring them up. the realized those unlucky kids' dreams, aspiration, ambition that he wanted to make them reach it.

I know everyone has his/her story behind what he/she is now. I maybe have one, but not yet realize what it is. you also have that and I really want to know if you don't mind.. hehe.. but most of them must be very inspiring. ciao!

Midnight talk with 'Somebody'

2011-06-16T06:26:00.000-07:00

I guessed this is my last post about my Ex. hahahaha. I'm so sorry for being gloomy all the time. but I promise you, this post will be the last and less gloomy.
Okay, the chat was two months ago, but I feel like writing it now.
it was a Saturday night. I'd bottled up all my feeling and wanted to pour everything out. I thought it's the best for me to tell him directly.
"we're still friends, so you will tell me everything, I will tell you everything. we didn't fight we didn't quarell when we broke up." I said.
he waited for me to get a point.
"since we broke up, I always get miserable everytime I think of you, our memories are catching me up. I feel I'm so stupid. I can't move on, I keep on walking around the same place, going around the same hole." I just made a shot. he didn't reply me, I thought that my remark was rude or something, but he finally replied "yeah, me too, since we broke up, when everybody keeps on saying your name, I think I'm going crazy."
"It makes me want to slap them all!" I joked.
"if anybody keeps on saying my name, and it makes you miserable, don't think about the bad things we've been through, just think about our sweet things. you have to be stronger." he said.
"do you ever regret to date me?" I asked later.
he said, "no! of course no! I learned so many things from you, from our relationship." then he asked me back. surprisingly , I answered "Yes"
he was like, "why?"

"it's because I can't anybody who is better than you, at least until now." I thought It was my sweetest remark, lol! although it's kind of gross, but.. actually, it's true. I regretted that I was very horrible, I regretted that I hurt him. I was.. very very bad.
then, I've forgotten the rest LOL! after I told him everything, I could feel a heavy burden was just lifted up. our memories didn't go haunting me anymore, they will be my sweetest memories. I can manage to flip a new page and move on. I can read through all his emails without any hard feelings. His name will no longer be a dark side in my heart. I can finally breathe deeply until my lungs are going to explode. I feel... Free! I've just realised that everything I need is to tell him everything. it's about my confession anyway LOL.
okay, end of the post today :)

Exhausting Trip and Project Planning

2011-06-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody, I've just got back from a very exhausting trip yesterday. me and 8 others went to Brastagi. we stayed for 3 days ( I hoped I never had stayed) at villa. the toilet was horrible ! I don't really mind if I sleep there without my own pillow and bolster, i still can sleep anyway, BUT, if there isn't any proper toilet, I can't survive! the floor was wet, cold and disgusting! luckily I brought a flip-flops, so i could wear it when I was taking bath.
On the first day, there wasn't any warm water, and I should wash my hair. so basically, my head was freezing. then the stove didn't work, so we almost didn't have dinner. the next day we went to Bukit Kubu, N and I rode a horse. that was an amazing experience ! I rode black one, N rode brown one. I was like screaming like crazy when it moved. I was afraid that I would fall down. it was pretty high up there and I am afraid of height. I hold on the saddle tightly until my knuckles went white (literally). it was really fun though, and pretty expensive. at night, Juned, Y and lil J made us homemade fried rice. it was really nice! Thanks guys!
on the last day, we went to a temple. it was very beautiful! i love the scenery. later, nightmare came. Josh's driver came and told us that there was an accident on our way home and cars got stuck in a very very very very very long way. you know mountains, there are no shortcuts or something, so we decided to go detour ! we went to Siantar rightaway to avoid jam.
the trip was awful! I was like sitting on a small boat! the road was... some kind like jaggy? ugh.. my stomach got upset. it was three-hour journey. after we arrived there it was already 7 in the evening. we ate and directly headed to home. it was another three-hour journey. oh really, i'm sick of long journey ! I arrived home about 10 or 11. then I passed out.
today, we got our first meeting, to discuss about SEALNet project. it was kind of a heavy talk. we discussed a lot but found no solution. these following weeks will be very very exhausting. I still have to finish the proposal, finish sir Harkiman's essay, do the TV watching, read articles. NOOOOO!!!!! I have to finish them all tomorrow. and I'm going to Brastagi again, with my family on 17. asdfghjkl! there will be aloooooooot of meetings and plannings. anw, our project starts on 19. I'll be in Medan on 19, maybe i'll miss the first meeting.

My mom is just like saying "wow! you're even busier then a president!." Oh mom, I'm so sorry, I know, i should spend these valuable times with you, I'll miss you a lot.

Two weeks aren't enough !

2011-06-07T08:10:00.000-07:00

Two more weeks, N (Nathali) is going to Australia, Melb, to pursue her study. I'm proud of you nat :D ! I don't really feel sad, lost or something mellow until today.

Today is the last gathering day of this SEALNet people and us, Sutomo students. they gave some few words and they made us a new group of SEALNet so we can recruit more people and make a new group in Medan. I am chosen as the secretary.. I don't know, I was a leader.. hahaha.. then there was a time when they asked Kim to sing a song. she sang a song which her brother wrote

"I see the moon, and the moon sees me. I see the one that I want to see. I see the moon , the moon sees me, and I see the one that I want to see"

after she sang that song, suddenly emotion overwhelmed me. the lyrics were that simple, but i cried! tears started rolling down. they all looked at me. may be I am MS-ing, so I become so emotional. I started to think all over again. N is going to Aussie soon. although we promised to chat everyday via skype, but there will be time when we are all busy with our study. what will we do when we miss each other? what will we do when the world chrushes us down and we need support from ecah other? what will we do when we want to share something? then I heard the song. and the meaning did really strike me. so when we're busy, but we miss each other, then we'll look at the moon. we're looking at the same moon, that's how we'll realise that we're actually living in the same world.

Actually, the reason i get into the accelerated learing class is not really about my future. i did really consider over that, but it doesn't matter at all. maybe 70% of my insisting in getting into this class is because my promise to N. when we were still in JHS, we promised that we'd sit side by side in SHC. but the examionation result said different. she went into the super class, while I'd stay. things were not easy thought between us. but finally, I managed to get in, i wrote a permission letter to our headmistress(that time), and I could get in. so I didn't break my promise at all. we continue our friendship for the next two years, and now.. seperation is knocking on the door. Nathali is going to Aussie and I stay(still in Asia), and I can't do anything about it. I can't manage to get to her. then another fact that nathali's holiday is not my holiday, and mine's not hers. so we practically can't meet. there I felt desperation devoured me, and I cried.

Cynthia, Sin Seanne and Senna comforted both N and me. they told us that this was normal, we can still be friend. somebody's not going to change that fast. if we had a chance to meet again we will still go into the same coffee shop (starbucks), drink the same coffee(costs about Rp. 50.000,00) and talk about same thing (gossiping about classmates, oh, what else it can be LOL)then in the end, I knew they also went through the same thing and felt the same way. hahaha.. will always miss you guys !

NB. Nat, your nose will forever still be the same. LOL

Inspiring people !

2011-06-07T06:55:00.001-07:00

Hi all.. it's been a while since the last post. I was kind of busy.. okay today's post is about people who I met in Sealnet Project. they are my mentors.

Sealnet is a kind of non-profit organization. it stands for Southeast Asian Service Leadership Network, based in San Fransisco. you can see the rest at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SEALNet lol. we are kind of searching places which need extra attention like sanitation program at orphanage in Medan, then we go fundraising and we go help them. it's just SEALNet does not donate the money it gets, but it also teaches people how to get the money. simply says, it teaches people how to solve their problems. but it also helds a leadership program to highschools. luckily, this year they're going to Sutomo. LOL!! I thought I was not gonna join this program because I was having the SNMPTN examination at the first place. but D kept on insisting me to participate, so after she asked our headmaster, I could finally join and I never regret it.

This SEALNet group consists of people around the world, most of whom study at universities in US. they are AWESOME ! Actually I'm looking forward visitting orphanage and my wish is far much more then fulfilled. the trip was GREAT ! we played with the kids, we had interraction, we made them smiled.. I felt really lucky with my condition and really looked down on myself. but after meeting those kids, I feel more confident. they dare to dream big, well like a novel(you must read) Laskar Pelangi(The Rainbow Troops) - Andrea Hirata. he wrote in the novel "Bukan seberapa besar mimpi-mimpimu, namun seberapa besar dirimu dalam menghadapi mimpi-mimpimu"(it's not how big your dreams are, but it's how big you are in grapping your dreams). I like how their eyes glint when they tell us what their 'CITA-CITA' (aspiration/goal)are. I like it when those kids smile thankfully when we said goodluck to them. they really inspire me to dream big and do whatever I like. I didn't go to the first orphanage because I made a promised to my dad to go somewhere else. D said it was even more inspiring and touchy.

Next, The SEALNet people. they're too welcoming lol! they study and live in US, so maybe they are kind of 'open' to us. I did learn a lot from them. one of them, Senna, she can't stop smiling. and she looks like a sunflower to me. when I told her that, she laughed. but it's true! moreover she's very smart. all of them are. most of them get into Ivy League. oh, really, they are amazing! although they have various backgrounds, but they finally manage to be great people. they are energitic, smart, and confident. then Melina, she's from Puerto Rico, you can tell by looking at her pointed nose, LOL! she's great dancer, I mean how she moves her body, yet she's smart, good looking and confident. then, my Mentor, Elysia. she's not like the others, talking non-stop, she's quite quiet, but overall, I like how she came out with an idea, it was always brilliant! next, Sin Seanne. she is very funny! the way she speaks hokkien, gossips with us, she always makes us laugh. she also has quite a background, how she can be like this. it's inspiring. then, we have Syamil, he is very funny, I think he is like the president in this group, because he seems to control everything. we have Nina, at first, i thought she's quite an introvert person, because I didn't talk to her, but when we're on the same group, I knew she's great! next we have two Brians lol! the first Brian comesfrom KL, Malaysia. all of my friends, including me like his eyes. hahaha! Joshua couldn't stop telling me how beautiful his eyes are, but anyway, he's smart and very friendly. another Brian comes from Hong Kong. he is very tall and thin, so we tease Yolita, lol! he taught me several vocabs of cantoneese. and he is pretty funny too. anyway, he gets into MIT, i don't have to tell you how smart he is. next Kim, she comes from vietnam. she is indeed very funny and confident. i like her ! she makes situation less tense. then we have Minh who also comes from vietnam. all i can tell about her is she's kind and smart. I didn't speak a lot to her, so basically, I don't know a lot about her. then we have Cynthia. All of us agree that she's the most beautiful. LOL! yes, indeed she is. at first I thought that she's fierce, but no, she's not. hahaha.. I'll tell you more in next post.

as a conclusion for this post, I really do feel very lucky to join this program. I learned a lot of things, I knew more, I explore more. thank you SEALNet ! thank you Mr. Tjok tjin. haha! and thank you kids from the orphanage. we did have a great time !

Doomsday Conspiracy

2011-05-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

I have to tell you guys, this novel is SUPER AWESOME!!! Cheers Sidney Sheldon!
This is the story you can't ever imagine, can't ever think about! OMG! it did really mesmerize me. I'm filled with awe!
This book, doesn't attract readers with the complicated, stirring, brilliantly composed sentence, no! it lies in the plot, the simplicity usage of words, and absolutely to the point. it's not like an usual novel which the END is predictable, which the way it flows is in your mind. this is superb!
this book has successfully made me woke up in the midnight craving for it! can't sleep without reading till the end.

One thing that makes me addicted to it, is there's something about 'ALIEN'. you know how I am crazy about that.. creature. i'm absolutely interested in Alien, because they are green and glowy!! hahahaha.. in this book, the Alien plays as protagonist and it comes to the planet earth to save human beings from the disaster they made, which is global warming. you should read it!!

We're 19, eh?

2011-05-03T22:04:00.000-07:00

One, two, three, ... , seventeen, eighteen, nineteen. yep. that's all. but wait, as I remember last time I counted, we're twenty! The Mask is twenty! remember the poem I wrote? "we're twenty not plenty" see? Our beloved accelerated learning class, a.k.a The Mask is consist of 20 charming and brilliant students. ( hehe)

Do I miscount, no? DID I miscount? maybe. Not to be harsh, but I didn't see somebody in all parties that my buddies threw (B'day party, Slumber party, farewell party). well, although I, myself, as the king never attend all of those big celebrations but, somebody, one out twenty never attend any party at all. who is he/she? there must be a logical and innocent reason behind all his/her absence.

"I"M DONE! I'm fed up with all of her poisonous reasons!" I remembered this was what I shouted in my heart when N told me that SHE's not coming in our future gathering. at least! seven of us had ever invited her to their Birthday splashes, but she never showed up. when we asked her politely why she couldn't come , the next day after the party, she grimaced a guilty face and told us that she had her own family gathering which could not be cancelled.
Okay, we get it. she just wanted to spend more time with her family. we could do nothing about that. and I personally can tolerate that she could not take her ass to attend our 7 parties because of the same reason, that she had a family gathering. even if she didn't have transportation to send her there, we surely would manage to fetch her or something.

While in Farewell party, I understand why she didn't want to even take a quick glance on the ticket. she doesn't like crowded places, she just doesn't feel comfortable. I know, I get it. and she gave us her deepest apology. sure, my heart was touched. and she promised that she would come to our BBQ + slumber party after last examination, and little J's b'day celebration. and I wait upon for it. but it turned out disappointing.

she said she couldn't join our BBQ party. i was like.. oh God, please help me to understand her resistance. and I came up for an Idea that maybe she is not allowed to go out at midnight. so, okay, never mind. but yesterday, when C asked her whether she wanted to join us to buy a present for little J, since the D day is getting closer. She told us that SHE WOULD NOT SHOW UP. even she didn't give little J a chance to tell us when her party will be held. I simply want to text her back that WE, THE MASK IS OFFICIALLY 19! and if somebody is begging us to let her ASS in, will not be given any response AT ALL.

oh it really burned me up! what the hell is she thinking? she's even not a president, a king 0f a state or something. why would she reject all of our invitations?! does she think that her ASS i8s to valuable that can sit on our chair?! damn

Me, Being Stupid or Insane?

2011-03-27T09:26:00.001-07:00

It's the third post I dedicate to HIM. okay, you may think I'm stupid, insane, out of my mind and.. I'm awful. we have broken up for a year. I'll never forgot about that odious day. we even practically never talk. we just texted each other birth day greeting, new year wishes.. and now? I'm sitting here agonyly holding my feeling back and writing this post to him. how pathetic I am! he's definitely gone over me, and me too! but i'm not sure of that anymore.

I always feel something bad when my friends are talking about sweet moments I went through with him. it, somehow, still hurts. everytime they ask me if I still think about him or miss our moments, I always tell them their joking. I've fully got over him, but that's a big lie. everytime I receive text(in special occasion) from him, our memories are just refreshed and my feeling suddenly grow so big and high, this feeling is suffocating! and I'll get hurt because I'll never share that big feeling with him anymore, I'll never can. everytime my cousin, who happens to keep in touch with him, told me that he sometimes still misses my presence, I feel I'm gonna die for that bottling up emotion. yes, I've gone over him, at least that's what I thought. I feel nothing bad when I'm alone, so I really thought that I've forgotten everything about him. moreover I have had chrushes with some boys, but.. maybe I'm wrong.

yesterday, a friend of mine suddenly told me that He still thought of me. that remark did really made me excited and it sent me an euphoric feeling for awhile. then, after I went back to my real life it felt like I was crashed down to earth. I don't think he's serious. once he had ever told me that he wanted to find other gf. and I assumed he had gone over me. and I feel even more awfully stupid. he had turned in to a new page, start his more realistic life, while I'm still stucked in the same page, fell in the same hole, turning to the same point, walking around the same spot.

I always tell people to move on, let everything go, yet me? look at me! I don't even realize what i've done! the sweet remark itself isn't from his own mouth, yet I want to believe it and I.. and I almost fall for him once again. really.. I'm insane. call it a post.

Who Are We Gonna Be?

2011-03-24T05:39:00.000-07:00

Oh Buddha, it's about a month until my graduation day finally arrived. I'm freaking out!! First of all I have to be accepted in one of the University which I applied. a year before this depressing moment reach me, I had the slightest idea about all of this. and after time was running out, I was snapped out from my daydream and I started to worry about my future and everything is almost too late. Okay, then suddenly this thing hit me. what majors should I take? it's the most confusing, mind-splitting question ever! my uncle told me that this thing was just like picking knife, if you pick blunt one, you're gonna end up cutting meat-problems in the rest of your life. I should say, I did not feel better. it made me to lift heavier burdens, much heavier. I began to think, if I took this major, what would I be? and if I couldn't be anyone, then it meant I spent my parent's money for nothing. I took science subjects in my school, but.. I want to study psychology in my future later on. it's quite far away actually. I've read reference of the curricullum and I'm really interested. I really really want to take that. but suddenly, that damn question hit me. what am I gonna be? geez.. I tried to think that I'd gonna be a grown up woman who sits behind her desk and lots of people came to see her to console their problems. but, was it possible for me? I mean, I assume this thing is not really common in the society I live in, and people do not really need this. then I imagined things, googled things, and they couldn't resolve my problems. they don't give me a promise to make a good money. I've asked teachers, friends and I relaxed a bit because I'm not gonna be the back bone of my family later on(I'm a girl). I don't need to amazing carreer, or simply say I can do whatever I want as long as I can feed myself. and.. maybe it's fate or something.. it was an unsual Sunday. I watched TV and I accidentally hit the remote button which changed the entire perspective of life. it was Rachel Ray show and Maria Shriver(first lady of California) as the guest star. I paid no attention to it and start to devouredmy lunch. but my ear caught she talked about "who are you going to be?". feeling interested, I watched the show and I'm lucky to do that. I've forgotten what exactly she said. but let me summarize it. "It's not what you are going to be, it's who you are going to be. Do not concern and worry about WHAT the world needs today. just do what you like, do things that you enjoy, cause the world now needs people WHO enjoy doing their jobs." and I don't want to be anybody, I want to be myself. I'm gonna take psychology, enjoy studying it and be the one who the world needs :) Thanks, Rachel Ray and Maria Shriver

The Time Stops In Summer pt1

2011-03-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

It's a wet wednesday, yeah wet. I sat on a wet ground without worrying about how dirty my jeans would get. I looked at a plain and gloomy bouquet of flowers. They were white roses, small dandelions, and pink daisies. Mom's favourite. I recalled how happy she was when i brought in the same bouquet on her b'day. She smiled gratefully and kissed me. She said she was proud of me that i could know her favourite flowers. It was easy. Every sunday after mom went back from church, she always brought white roses or dandelions, while daisies, she said dad gave it to her when he proposed. I played the roses petals. I missed how three of us usually spent our weekend, woke up at noon and went fishing at the near by lake, had our brunch with overly cooked fish and plain popcorn as dinner. We were not rich. We stayed in michigan in suburbs. It was a small but warm house. It was a heritage from dad's great great great grandfather. Our lives were not perfect, but.. We were happy. I touched the gravestone. 'Emma Brook' was inscribed on it.
"mom.. I wish time stopped there. Back there when we were happy. Before dad left us." i grasped the rose so tight that all the petals were scattered. Why did you have to leave dad?! Why?! Why did you choose other woman over mom?! Why?!! Suddenly a big wind blew. I thought i might be a storm. It blew away the flowers. I tried to grabbed it but i failed. The wind was too strong. The tree which stood proudly beside mom's grave was now shaking in fear. The sound of the rustling leaves was horrifying. Then i could feel a drop of water fell to my face. I looked up and it was raining. I exhaled sharply and walked away.
~~~
i was a sixteen-year old girl, parentless and taken care by aunt. I lived in a small town in the states. It was, however, far away from my mother's grave so I should take a train here, sometimes I went there by bike, it was far away though. I was lonely, I could not befriend with my classmates or any other students in my school. I was lonely. Lonely.. I ran into the train station to shelter myself from a sudden heavy rain. My shirt was soaking wet. I looked around and i found out that the train had not arrived. I rolled my eyes. How long did i need to wait here while I was soaked. The wind blew and It chilled me to bone! I trembled like crazy. I walked inside and found an old book store. It's better than nothing. It should be warmer inside. I walked in. As I opened the door, the smell of old books and papers vapored in the air. I looked around and found an old man, the storekeeper, i guessed. He looked unfriendly and malicious. His sharp black eyes gawkes at me like a snake. His white hair grew thinly around his head. He wore a 60's era shirt, with high waist pants. He looked more a like pinochio's father. His glasses sagged and he looked.. Very old. The bookstore itself was cramped with alot of books which were arranged in gigantic bookselves. I strolled my eyes through the books. All of them were old books. Books of literatures. Maybe I could find shakesprears' writings here. There was an old clock ticking loudly in the room. It was hanged on the entrance. It was old and dusty, the numbers were blurred. I walked to the old man and asked
"uhm.. Mister, do you know what time will the train arrive? To virginia."
"oh, it shoulbe two more hours. You know how crowd Ohio is.. Alot of people are going here and there now." he shook his head. And then he read his newspaper again. I walked into the nearest bookshelves and started to find an interesting book to read.
'little woman'
'i died in december'
'the professor'
'Jimmy the kiddo'
'i live in the meadow'
nothing caught my attention. Suddenly, i a book fell down. I jumped of my feet. It scared me. I glanced at the old man. Seemed like he was a little bit deaf. He did not moved a bit. I looked at the book, and to the shelf.
'weird.. The shelf is okay.. And it doesn't seem to miss a book. It was full there.' but.. i did not mind it so much. I picked up the book. It was white in colour and a bit yellow shade on the edges. The title was 'The Time Stops In Summer'. These was interesting enough for me. Summer.. Then I looked around and I found a small chair on the corner of the bookstore. I sat there and started to flip the book. The smell of the book rushed to my nose and it gave a tickled sense. I covered my mouth and my nose before I sneezed. At the first page I saw some old writings started with 'once upon a time' the writing was gently stroked in the paper. It was nicely printed with golden ink. I saw there was a picture on the right corner of the book. A girl, in the meadow and her dog. I could tell it was summer, beacause of the green grass, yellow paddy field, and blue sky and also her summer outfit. White loose and plain dress, and her straw hat. I couldn't see her face because the hat was to wide and she was looking at her dog. It had golden fur. Suddenly something sparkle. I thought that I was hallucinating, but as I squinted my eyes and blinked, the sparkles got more and more. Then everything went white. I could feel the early summer breeze blew my hair. It smelt like blooming flowers and the familiar smell of the sun. Then suddenly i was standing at a small road in the meadow.
"where am I? Is it a dream?" i pinched myself like some people did in movies. Yeah, it was hurt. I was just dreaming. I was just dreaming. But why it just looked so real? The wind, the smell.. The vision, details.. The sky, the colour.. Everything was too real to be called a dream. I touched the lush green grass. It was fresh and alive.. I doubted that was a dream. I looked around. I did not know this place or recognize it either. I walked through the path and I saw a scarecrow. It was as friendly as that of Dorothy in the Oz. It smiled widely which showed that it was hilariously standing under the sun to keep crows away.
I shrugged and walked again through the path. This time, I saw a village. Small houses with a little chimney made with brick on each roof. Ooh, how peaceful the scenery was.
"hey there.." i heard a small soft voice of a little girl and a bark of a dog. I looked back and I saw a beautiful girl with her long blonde hair. She wore the same dress as the girl in the book. And the dog.. It was the same. Was I inside the book? But.. How could it be?! She wore her straw hat with a cute red bow surrounding it.
"hi there.. Do you know where am I?"
"who are you? Are you a stranger?" she was afraid.
"well.. You can assume it that way."
she put her hand forward.
"my name is Lea, and this is my dog toto" the dog barked. I held her tiny hand.
"my name is Emma."
"Emma.. Come with me, will you?" she pulled me.
"go where?"
"to my house." I followed her. She led me to a forest. Really?
"are you sure we're getting in there?"
"c'mon, my house is not far from here." I followed her inside. It was very dark inside, I could barely see my own hand. The trees were very tall and they grow widly. I knew some[thing was lurking at me in the dark. I should keep moving.
"he.. Hey wait up.." I followed her dog's pant. That's why I could know where she went. Then a glimpse of light appeared in front of us. And it led us to a wide meadow. There were some houses, three or four, and a lake on the right side. It was truly a beautiful meadow. She and her dog ran into those houses. There were built from bricks and hay stacks as their roof. A little chimney stood up at the roof and produced a sweet smell of smoke. I could hear she called whoever lived inside. Then an old woman carrying a bowl of something went outside. I walked approaching to them. She wore a white dress and a weird glasses. Her fat body was a typical an old granny. She even wore a sweet little hat. She looked at me with her blushy cheek and was surprised. She dropped her bowl and an old man who I assumed as her husband rushed out and asked what happened. He was awfully thin, he was in contrast with his wife. He wore 70's jumpsuit and a loose spectacle. He lost some of his teeth and he was almost bald. He hunched his back. I assumed he was too old to stand straightly. I was meters away from them. I proceeded doubtfully. He walked to me staggeringly.
"young lady.." he examined me like I was an alien. Yeah, I'd thought about it. People in here are quite out of date. Even Lea herself wore a dress which today's children would not wear anymore, let alone those old lovely dove.
"young lady.. " he repeated. He was amazed, shocked and terrified I guessed. Everybody was surprised to see me here. I did not understand what really happened here.
"how.. How could you be possibly here? As long as I record.. There isn't somebody looked like you.. Where do you come from?"
"I'm from Ohio.." I said. He asked Lea to call someone named by James. Lea and her dog ran to the next door and started to banging the door. A young and tall man went outside his house. I guessed he was half a sleep. thick and dark eye bags were hanging under his eyes. He wore loosed and striped pajama. His black hair was in mess. His face was in a weird angle. His long face made him a tiring look. He yawned when Lea asked him to meet me.
“uncle James, can you please meet our new guest?” she begged him. But he kept on yawning. The old man shook his head and thought hard. Then he came into an idea.
“Lea, I think James needs a rest. He had helps us a lot yesterday. He deserves one. Go play.” He said. “ while you young lady, would you like a cup of evening tea?” where else I could go. I accept his invitation
~~~
I sat on the wooden chair on the kitchen. It was a small, tidy and warm house. It felt so comfortable. A little pot of plant was put beside the window. The curtain was very white, very clean. The sun ray even made it more bright. The old lady served me a cup of tea. She was shock, surprised, her hands were clumsy and shaky.
“thank you Mrs. Toddpole” I said. I sipped the tea.
“so, young lady you’re really a stranger, aren’t you?” Mr. Toddpole asked me.
“yes.. where am I?”
“welcome to Summer Village.” Summer village? What a common name.
“Mr. Toddpole.. I really don’t know how I can be here.. I mean I just flipped a book and then suddenly I am here.” I tried to explain. They looked at me confusedly.
“okay.. I was in a train station. It’s where trains stop and leave. Then I went inside a bookshop and I just found a book.. a book. It was ‘the time stops in summer’.. and I just..”
“how can you know the time stops?” she cut my sentence.
“excuse me? Oh I mean that’s the book’s title I wanted to read in the bookshop”
“but it does.. the time stops.. the time stops flowing..” what were they talking about? Time stopped?
“what time?”
“Emma, the clock isn’t ticking anymore, it stops.”
“yeah that’s because it’s broken”
“no, it’s not.. it’s nature” Mr. Toddpole shook his head. “look around you.. this village is always in summer.. the reason we stay alive until now is because of it.”
Was he joking? No? but.. it’s impossible.
“I don’t believe it. How.. how?”
“everything started I guessed years and years ago.. we are old and weak. Time controls everything even our death. Me and my wife were getting older and older. It seemed like death stood and lurk behind the door and closet. We were.. anxious. Then one day, James was walking in the cornfield. It was summer. When he walked passing the yellow plants, something sparkling caught his eyes. It was a sparkling hour glass which grew inside of a corn plant. He felt it was a weird thing and brought it home. We thought it was something great and.. powerful so we worshipped it. However something happened. It started to shrink and lost its sparks. It just became an ordinary hourglass. And one day, somebody accidentally dropped and broke it. The sand flew and covered the entire village and the next thing we knew was the season never change and the day never change. Sun never sets and people don’t grow old and die. We.. live forever.”

We shed sweat, blood and tears of joy.

2011-02-21T03:23:00.000-08:00

it's my first volley ball match.
Wow, wow.. wait, hold on, don't you think I'm an expert.. no, i'm not, and don't be fooled by the title, I didn't win, i lost. but I'm happy. hardly can i call myslef a newbie. oh, I'm not exaggerating. it's true. it's like 6 months ago I practiced volley ball and I stop for two months and then, 4 days ago, exactly 17th of February, I had the match. Maybe, i'm the worst player in my friday class.
In our annual school sports day, D,Y,N,Stevanie, Juned, Evel Goh and me, registeredthe match. too bad, N was sick so, she couldn't participated in. Maybe it's the most trippin idea, that only three newbies in the club and three others who even never 'touch' or 'see' the ballbefore. but of course, we kept faith. and the joking part was we trained to play the game 4 days before(E-goh did it 2 days before). I could not serve, or even block. the first day of traning was Sunday.
it was jolly shcorching. I could even smell my hair burnt! the sun shone too shiny and hot. I learned nothing. then on Monday, we did not go to train, I did not have the time. so, we continued the training On tuesday Morning. the weather was great and we were so energitic. D suddenly gave me a tip that when i swung my hand to hit the ball, i should not bent it. and thanks to D, i managed to make a good serve, i'm jolly happy! so we trained hard and one of D's friend (Meidiawan) helped us went through the hard part. at least we learned something from him. then, On Wednesday, we planned to restore our stamina and energy.
so on the Big day, we came earlier on purpose, to train. and D asked on of her friends (Livio) to help us out. while we trained, suddenly an intese fear crawled into me. we could not manage to send the ball next to our opponent. I could do nothing about it.
after several arguments between us, finally they picked me to do the first serve. Oh God, it's damn scary. if i failed, I'd bring down all of their guts and we would not play any game at all, so, it was all depend on my first shot. I could tell, I was shaking, but when i saw my friends cheering me up and supporting me, I felt a sudden euphoria. and I could send the ball to the other part. I was so relieved! then, everything went well until D got hit by the ball and bleeded her lips. I was so afraid that something worse would happen to her but luckily it didn't. win or lose did not matter anymore at this state, all that came to my priority list was my friend's status. i couldn't hit the ball right when one of them laying beside the court bleeded all over their shirt.
so, we were a score apart from our rival. but when the advanced player form their team took control, it was our R.I.P. oh, could you believe it that she scored all 6 ball by herself? she's really a great player. I'd predicted this things, and i'm cool if we lose.
however, when the sound which indicated the game was over ranthrough my ears, i looked at the sscore board. 21-30. i felt a great releaved. but suddenly, I burst out into tears. I did not know why, but the overwhelming emotion just exploded. all of them gathered me, asking why i was crying and even one of them said "oh, it's okay if you lose, you can do better next time." no, it's not like that, I'm not a crybaby that will just cry when she loses. it's just mixed up with happy and guilty. I was happy because we at least scored 21! it's unpredictable, we all have done great! all of them also told us this. they said we're great as amateurs. i felt guilty because D's friends had helped us this far and yet, we did not win. i just couldn't stop crying and laughing. it's the best loss I've ever felt. at least we dared to show how brave, and bold we are to challange them. we've actually won when we land our foot to the court. and i'm proud of that. and I really want to thank Buddha for blessing us that nothing bad happened to us, at least we could still walk back home. but i guess sir Harkiman would say that it's all the law of nature. lol.

(A)typical Sunday

2011-02-21T02:20:00.000-08:00

I hate sunday. maybe everybody thinks I'm weird. but really, I hate Sunday.
First of all, I don't really have anything to do, or so you can say I'm unoccupied. so, I love to wonder, to think, and to re-evaluate my unsettled problems. and of course, I walk back to my past. that's why I hate sunday. it seems like my past is devouring me and I get trapped and can't get out. it seems like I have quite a past. quite a bollock. the thing I'm concerning now is about my Ex.
Okay, laugh, I know it's so pathetic and embarrassing. but it really made my Sunday gloomy.
It's been almost a year since I broke up. I've wrote about him before, and I still miss him.
Sometimes, I believe I'm a big dumb ass, a real moron, that I still think of him everytime after I watched a couple kissing, or a romance-tragedy movie. I always and always wonder how it would turn out if I still rode on his wagon. what kind of realationship will turn out? I guess I'm pathetic and unrealistic.
I'm mocking myself now. LDR? what was I thinking? the last thing that stuck to my mind before we broke up was " I'm just like dating with my phone and he with his laptop" we communicated via e-mail and MSN, yet what? it's completely absurd. But above everything all, I miss 'the old me', 'past me'. I miss how I blushed every night after receiving his good night kiss, and every morning after receiving his sweet morning greeting. And I miss how my heart beats went faster and my breath rushed when we talked.
It's kind of dilemma, half of me on the reality side, on the fact that i don't spare any empty space, or even a tiny chuck of my feeling for him, while on the other side, I still think of him. think that he actually will cme back and take me away. think how he will waltz me like Romeo swings Juliet in the ball. think of the surprises that me might give to me.
The break-up thing wasn't his fault. it's just it was not only love that matter, maybe affection. it didn't only need the feeling. 7 months, that's a great achievement for a girl like me.
the things that I regret from the break-up is just, I had not been a good GF enough. look all the sacrifices he had made for me, his time, his money, and his love, yet, I gave him nothing but a scratch on his heart. he was there when i needed him, he supported me, and what did I give him? ignorance. I was once angry at him because he's busy with something, but he never complained anything when I ignored him. it's just.. I was like a bitch. And i'm terribly sorry. maybe that's one of the reasons why I do not dare to face him.

call it a post. but wait, one more thing. I don't know why, when we broke up, he's not here. I mean, we're having LDR, so technically, he's not here. but, a day before the B-day, I felt an intense pain on my chest, and I thought of him, and I realized, maybe something did not turn out right. there's something wrong and that day, we did not chat nor send e-mail. I told myself to calm down, that there's nothing bad will happen. but, the next day, on the afternoon, i received the text. I knew, i was right about that. maybe, I liked him so much that i could feel something that happened to him too. and I always wonder, Why did I always know that he had sent me an e-mail even though my phone did not ring? it happened several times. I was glad about that anyway. just wonder, why?

A Little Sister's Confession & Mom's Great Remarks

2011-02-01T07:05:00.000-08:00

This post is specially dedicated to my sister.. or maybe not.

It was a typical Wednesday evening. I spend a lot of time with my sister that day, because both of us go to mandarin tuition at the same time, then I go home earlier than any other day. We were just having some small chat with my mom. we were sitting next to each other. Ma had to assist my sister, Cynthie, to study. I was just doing my homework and my handcraft(Ma thought that it wasn't necessary to be done, so she helped me doing that). Dad was not around. I'm not discussing about my sister confessed to us that she fell in love with the cute guy sit next to her. no, it's not that. It's me who made confession.

Everything started when I was just teasing my little sister about my leaving to university which will happen pretty soon from now on.
"Hey, what'll happen to you if I'm not here?" I asked.
"I'm gonna take control over all your things here." me and my ma laughed slightly. then total silence. Ma spoke up overnight breaking the awkward silence.
"What if suddenly we don't have sufficient money to fund your collage later on?"
Oh, ma, don't start that again. Money is maybe a big problem for me now. I felt my eyes were getting hotter.
"it's okay ma, I'll try to get a scholarship." I answered. ma just fell silent. my respond did not answer her question. what she really meant was my accommodation fee. What if my accommodation is not free? what if, suddenly in the middle of my study, Ma phones me and says "Oh, sorry, we don't have enough money to send to you anymore"
"I get it.. I've ever thought about that.. maybe i'll try to find a part-time job." I said.
"you can't,you're taking your undergraduate courses, you'll be pretty busy at that time." I exhaled deeply.
"maybe.. I'll just quit and continue studying here and find a part time job." she kept silent. I looked at her, she was quietly carving my handcraft.
Suddenly my sister gave me a harsh remark.
"Oh, I'm sorry, but I don't want to be poor, because they have to pay for your study in university." her comment was so harsh that it made me like I'm just an obstacle in the family, a burden. her harsh comment made me bursting into tears. mom just stayed quiet.
"why do you say stuff like that?" i felt offended.
"it's true!! I'm not willing to be poor just for you."
then she was silent.
"I still want to pursue my study you know? not only you who have that dream." she continued. it's complete. it just made me a complete wretch. it made me feel that I deprived my sister's chance to pursue her higher study. I was just an obstacle, burden, a big wall which separate her from her dreams. I felt that I was super bad. I cried silently, I thought that I was a Super pathetic if they knew I was crying.
"I'll just find a job and will pay for your study later on, I'll be an English tuition teacher or so whatever so that I can pay for your collage fees."
"why don't you just find a cheaper uni, so that we both can enroll and study there?"
"oh, i don't want." I teased her among my sobs. then ma said something which made me felt like I'm a real pathetic.
"it's okay that you both pursue your study higher, it's my dream to see you guys get a high degree, as high as possible." my tears rolled down directly breaking my tears-defense wall which I built in a great difficulty.
"as you go higher, your chance to get a better job is even bigger, and finally you'll get a nice salary. and that's time to let dad and I enjoy your money." she said laughing.
I laughed but my tears could barely stop, I could barely stop.

THANKS MA. :)

A Wise Story.

2011-01-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

Once Buddha was travelling with a few of his followers. While they were passing a lake, Buddha told one of his disciples, "I am thirsty. Do get me some water from the lake to drink.

The disciple walked up to the lake. At that moment, a bullock cart started crossing through the lake. As a result, the water became very muddy and turbid. The disciple thought, "How can I give this muddy water to Buddha to drink?"

So he came back and told Buddha, "The water in there is very muddy. I don't think it is fit to drink."

After about half an hour, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back to the lake.

The disciple went back, and found that the water was still muddy. He returned and informed Buddha about the same.

After sometime, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back.

This time, the disciple found the mud had settled down, and the water was clean and clear. So he collected some water in a pot and brought it to Buddha.

Buddha looked at the water, and then he looked up at the disciple and said," See what you did to make the water clean. You let it be, and the mud settled down on its own ?? and you have clear water.

Your mind is like that too ! When it is disturbed, just let it be. Give it a little time. It will settle down on its own. You don't have to put in any effort to calm it down. It will happen. It is effortless."

Having 'Peace of Mind' is not a strenuous job; it is an effortless process!

TREAT EVERYONE WITH POLITENESS
EVEN THOSE WHO ARE RUDE TO YOU
NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT NICE
BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE NICE.

This story is so suitable for me right now. Just Let It Be.. Let It Be.

Oh, pity you!

2011-01-22T08:18:00.000-08:00

I have a really funny story to tell ya guys, about a friend of mine. well, in a class, no matter how big it is, it will always have conflicts, and now, we have a biiiiiiiiiig one. actually, it's a girl we don't really like. well, we heard something bad about her from SOMEONE, and we believed it straightly, how naive we were. yeah, I've just realized we're so stupid. yeah, you know, once we dislike a person, we'll directly tag them with all bad remarks. like if they do something wrong, we'll notice it directly and say something bad about whatever she does, we just become paranoid. I'm tired of all this drama actually. then comes a new conflict, small one, but because of that little filthy piece of shit, we're in the brink of war. actually, we despise her because we're so stupid to fall inside that someone's trap.. oooohh.. how tricky that SOMEBODY is. and those conflicts make our class tense.

I'm not a good leader. I'm not a good class monitor, I can't lead the class well, it's only 20 people! it's funny when I think I can help to solve the conflicts in the end, I'll be the villain, oh shut up. they are all so fickle minded and hypocrite. if you don't like somebody, you tell us, we may try to help you, but just don't get along with that somebody again and tell that somebody that we're the one who try to break you two. that is what happening in our beloved class. scandals are spread, of course we believe the 'spreader', I mean, the 'spreader' has our full trust, it burns us all in the scandal. then come a 'gasoline' who make a hotter fire, and then, a war broke out. the 'spreader' says a name, and we the 'stupid' believe it, and come the 'gasoline', burns us, finally into ashes, and it happens in cycle until the whole class hate us. great job, 'spreader'.

word of the day : INTERFERENCE MEANS BULLSHIT.

Don't try to be a hero, because in the end, you'll be the villain. the fact is, the victim and the villain are having a conspiracy to trick you. the bad guy may be the villain or the victim itself. so watch out.

I really want to shut their ass-es. do they think they're great enough to say something bad about their unfair friends to us, and then when we help them to get back their rights, they go back to their friends and oppose us? CLEARLY DESCRIBE: A and B are best friend, at a moment B treats A unfairly(that was what A tells us), then A tells us that B is an enemy, so automatically, we hate B, but suddenly A and B get along again and A tells B that we play A against B. and for worst, B simply does not know anything about what had actually happened. and hates us right away!! oh it's so great, isn't it? what do they want actually? do they think that we're so popular that they are envious about us? so that they want to take us down? you can't just topple us from our throne, asses. you should know WHAT you are. but, I must admit, we're too stupid and idiot to trust A and interfere their friendship. Moreover, I really want to plastered that 'gasoline' 's 'ass', so, that 'gasoline' can't fart anymore. WRETCH POOR CREATURE!

may be we actually should not believe in anybody else, but ourselves.

Psychology, should or shouldn't? too late

2011-01-22T07:46:00.000-08:00

I'll graduate soon enough. thus, as the third year student, i have prepared anything to pursue my study; enroll to the best universities. but wait, what will I take for my major? that is the most difficult question to answer when you ask me half year ago, I made up my mind and decided to study psychology. I'm just interested in how people think, why do they think that way? and how to understand them. I think psychology are really needed in these modern and egocentric world, fist of all we have to learn how to understand people. after I made up my mind and sent my application and even got shortlisted to sit for entrance examination, all my family came and opposed me, except my parent. they said " why do you take that useless major? it's so useless you can't find job with that! it's you'll be killed by your crazy patients."
first of all, I HATE THEM, well, not actually HATE them, but detest their comments. okay I know, they are so good to me, they are worried that their beloved niece will be a jobless woman. Thank you for your extra attention, but I don't really need it anyway. look, I don't want to offend them, but honestly, can't they act a little bit more logical and relevant. some of them have warned me actually in the first place, they said " seriously? psychology? think about it first! consider other majors first. but if you really like it, then it's okay." see?! at least if they want to give a harsh comment about my major, they should really do it before I SEND MY DAMN APPLICATION! so it's to late to change my mind. Next, I consider business is a very difficult subject that I can't cope with. should I really force myself to study something I don't like?? oh please be realistic. I hate those who say " Science is not important, business is the right major."oh c'mon! without science business is nothing. they are so narrow minded. ugh.
Then they love to compare arts with science. they say "Science is the symbol for brilliant student, while arts is the symbol for lame and lazy students." hello? business is also one of the arts, so watch your mouth. so, if I'm great in arts then they'll say i stupid. they look down on us, on people who love arts.what if someday I become a famous woman? actress, writers or even businesswoman? oh really I hate that kind of discrimination. call it a post.

It's a Dad and Daughter's time

2011-01-22T06:12:00.000-08:00

Oh great, today is report day, and it's grey. No, I'm too embarrased to talk about it here. skip that part. Okay, the main part is I hope that was not mine. again and again I would let mom and dad down. after I saw my result, I felt a bit of disappointed, yet nothing. But as soon as I was thinking about how I should tell mom and dad, I became very terrified. Hadn't I thought about that, or prepared anything. it's just.. Horrific, you may imagine how I feel, It's like your parent have put faith on you, thinking that you'll never prove that they are wrong, and in the end, you fail them. you break their faith, you hurt them. that's how I feel. it's noy like they will kill you because you hurt their feeling, but their downhearted emotion and their dismay are clearly depicted on their faces, that was what actually kills you. I did not know what I should tell them, what excuses I would say? it's so excruciating. I cried out loud but nothing can alleviate the humiliation and pain. thus, I let everythingito the hand of time.

Mom had known everything before I met her in the afternoon to have lunch together. I still could feel the weariness after crying. maybe everyone might have notice it, my eyes got swollen and red. in the car Mom or Dad did not say anything about my report, they acted that nothing happened. I thought that both of them would interrogate me in the same time, but they did not, so I also acted like nothing happened. but that pain was not yet gone. I thought that may be I should ask them about this. so I decided it was mom whom I wanted to talk to about this, actually I was very afraid to have a chat with dad about this disgraceful thingy. I wasn't afraid that he will get angry, it's even better if he scolded me.. but I was scared to let his faith fall. I am his pride, his hope, and I'm gonna hurt him. it's like you're a hero and you're expected to bring home... something big, and you fail! so, finally, I got a time to be alone with mom, I asked her and she just said I should study more, kind of advice and a little bit obligation. I thought that was the end of my sufferings and pain, but i was wrong, it's still there, rotting in my heart. the only thing I should do is to tell my old pa.

Tonight is just like any weekend, I have to spend 4 hours in my new tuition. it was 7 when dad would fetch me home. I called dad and waited as usual, i tried to compose words by words, sentences by sentences of excuses i should tell him. but still in the end he would say "I've told you to study hard, haven't I? you didn't do it, you never listen to what i say." full of disappointment. time does fly, in a minute my dad had arrived. I walked reluctantly inside the car. looking at his face, I cried again, no, it's too difficult, it's too heart-breaking. I decided to stay quiet and cried silently, suddenly dad spoke up.
"why does your result dropped dramatically?" he said carefully and as gently and he could.
"I don't know." I said after controlling my breath, I was afraid if he knew i was crying.
"I don't have enough time in math." I continued.
"who is your math teacher?"
"Ms Tjiek Kie"
"then you should ask her, how to solve your question in time, ask for an advice." I kept quiet.
"it also goes the same for Physics and chemie. you should ask your teachers how to fathom those questions, what questions should be prioritized, what short cut you need to learn." yeah, he got the point.
"I used to score good in cmy Chemistry. firstly, it because my teacher taught me well, and i understood fully, next, my tuition teacher told me how to solve questions, he said you should prioritize questions which you really understand and master, then go to the difficult one. that's how we did it, I don't know if there is any new method to answer your questions, you should ask your teachers, they are fully experienced, aren't they?" yes, dad is right. there was a long pause, I guessed that's all what he wanted to tell me. I felt a little bit relieved. then suddenly he said something which made me write this post. he said;
"well, it's not like you can't do those questions, you can, you just need some more time. it's not like you're stupid. you're not, you just haven't found a better way to answer. you're not stupid." my dried tears rolled down again.
"you're not lazy to study, you're not an indolent person, it's just you haven't found your way."
"you're not stupid or sluggish, you just have to find a faster way, you're already on the right track." it's so touchy, I felt a sudden relieved. after all of this, dad never loses his faith. dad never stops believing in me.
"my condition was not very well when I sat my chemie test."
"that's why you should know how to treat yourself well." I agreed.
oh God, I promised myself not to let him down again. I love you so much, dad. :) Thank You.

A Poem for The Mask

2011-01-18T05:59:00.000-08:00

Here comes the time
Our time to be prime
We stroll and dance to the hall
Put on the mask and we're ready to ball

Walking down the wooden stair

Seeing all the people with amazed stare

Closing our eyes, we recall back those moments

Our immortal and unforgettable moments

We're twenty, not plenty

But our vivacity is mighty

Starting and ending in unity

Never had we own any diversity

We met and we realized

We'd be great as one

We tolerate and we understand

Together we flap our wings like butterflies

May disputes come and shatter our frienship bond

May storm and big wave come and wash away our friendship history

But never wither our spirit to be one

Never dim our light of fellowship

Our heart thump and bump

Anxiety and pertubation overwhelm our lost souls

But we hold our hand to face the future

We embrace our souls before finally we walk our different path to the future

Eyes closed, we remember those moments of togetherness

Yet, we have to open the door to the ball room of our fate

Twrilling and Whrilling with different mate

We will watlz futher, to the separation

We put on the mask and hold our hands

We will be shattered, but the mask of fellowship will cushion

No longer are we afraid of farewell

we're flapping like butterflies well

We will be separated, but it's not for eternity

Because we know, we are fated to unite as one

The Longest 5 Minutes in My Life

2011-01-18T05:08:00.000-08:00

Dear, my beloved readers, after vacumming in posting, I will bring you a quite cheer-y post now. it's The looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooongest 5 minutes in my whole life.

We(D,N,W,Y), the notorious bebeks in the L center. well, we love to talk(gossip) and laugh so loudly that the entire building is full of our voices, and we love to bully our teachers. Many of them reckon us as a bunch of lazy asses, they even hush us everytime we start to talk. geez.. Lots of teachers say that we're so talkative and busy body. I don't get it! how can't they feel the fun in gossiping and bullying? I mean, I know it may end badly, but.. as long as none of the offenses is taken, then nothing matters. They can bully us, why can't we bully them back again? can't we have fun together? what a loathsome bunch of people! then come a day when someone had ever said, " can you just keep quiet for at least 5 minutes?" or that was what I think. they may at least shouted in their heart. So, after a big laugh as usual, suddenly N or D came with an Idea why we shouldn't shut our mouth for 5 minutes. yeah, why shouldn't we? then we agreed with this plan and N started the countdown timer.

in the first 10 seconds, we all gather our concentration to do 0ur HW, but the next 20 seconds, I started to fell tickle in my mouth trying to prevail us on laughing. the silence was so funny, bizzare, strange, weird and quirky. I tried to focus on my work, but i couldn't! I looked around to see how the others going, they looked at me back, smiling. all of us looked at N's phone, the timer. It showed 2 and a half minute more. I sighed and waited, starring at the phone, D also did the same. I really wanted to laugh out loud. moreover, I kept on remembering the funny things we'd been through, It's soo torturing, but it worked! the entire building became silent. then D and me stopped doing our math and starring at N's phone. it's so funny that 10 seconds feels like years! I did really want to laugh on that peculiar silence.
then it was 30 seconds to go, I kept praying in my heart that it was all going to over and I'm gonna laugh again, I promised myself I could go through that 30 seconds, I would laugh for 30 minutes! time passed so slow that I could fall asleep for.. forever!

Finally for the last 10 minutes, we all were holding N's phone and we did a new year count down, it's 10 second to our liberalization! we're going to hoist the colour of freedom.. and... and... and... WE DID IT!!!! we did it! we can really stay quiet for 5 minutes! that was the longest 5 minutes in my life.. oh.. it's great!! the, we all screamed and laughed! it's freedom!!

First day, problems come.

2011-01-03T08:00:00.001-08:00

Hi everybody :), guess what, Sutomo is too generous that we, the discipline and Well-mannered students are allowed to get our ass back to school. it's so frustrating!! OMG!! it's just like I've just passed my monthly exam an hour ago! the feeling of uneasiness and the feeling of my upset stomach.. it's a real pain in my ass. I desperately dragged my butt to my bathroom this morning, i was just like a zombie. moreover the sky was gloomy, cloudy and soothing... which would slowly attract me to lay my head on my soft pillow.. hmmm.. sounds like fun. but it's true!! I hate to wake up so damn early in the morning!! I'm not an early person FYI.. okay, I finally dragged myself to school. everything was normal, until I saw my friend, JA walking around the class, carrying her heavy bags. wait a minute, that's not her style, what happened to our beloved class? I ceased my anxiety and rushed to her.
"what happened?"
"look at our class." as I turned my head, I thought that I was going to vomit. wait wait, it's not like there's a banana peel on the door so I dared not walk in, or there's bunches of starving mosquitoes who have suffered from food shortage and are driving to suck my blood , no.. not that extreme. but I could see a thick fog hangin' inside our class. it was like a burnt house, which was just put out and you could see thick white smoke was puffed, like a chimney! okay, focus on the fog. if I don't start to breath I had a thought that our class was on fire! but indeed, I inhaled, and I smell the incredible scent of the fog. I did not only hanging inside our class, but also produced some kind of toxic smell. I recognized it, the horrible, horrid, gruesome, nightmarish and excruciating(I'm too exaggerate) fog, is created to kill mosquitoes(I guess to kill us!). but it will really killing us, the thick fog, hanging above your head, the lethal smell which will kill your lungs, and make your head muzzy. oh no.. it's a total hell. my friends and I stayed out from the class. finally the bell rang and we are forced to get in the class, like mosquitoes are forced and marched to the class. really, even the smell stuck on my hair, uniform, I think even on my body! it's like crazy. okay, then in the arvo, our T-Shirt designer whom we think that is better than others texted me that he would stop by and dropped our T-Shirt, our class shirt actually. they are a bunch of pathetic people who are mad about money, ignorance and ill-mannered. he was made published by her aunt, Elly, our dear best friend, umm.. I mean our biology teacher. that's okay.. actually, paying doubled T-Shirt price is no harm for me, but it's too irrelevant that I have to pay for.. a low graded T-Shirt?! okay, they help us to design and serve us with all their flawless service, well, service is good. I mean, after all that we have done, we are just too fickle-minded, I, myself, am quite hesitate to ask for any changes anymore, but that's business, right? it's fine, everything at first, but when we saw our shirt, they have lied. look, they promised us that our logo or whatever it is, would be printed out on our shirts and so, they would not bleached or.. whatever! they have counted us the 'printing cost', but it turned out they screen printed out our shirt. okay, as long as the costs are cut down, we're still cool, but he did not want to do it! then we've learned that there's a lot of mistake in our names, we have told HIM to change it but he did not, okay, he protect himself by stating that he's just an agent of his damn company or whatever it is, he said that his beloved but bloody friends, did not have a chance to read his mail, so, they did not make any correction at all!!! then, finally, we have learned their innumerable mistakes. it is a horrible mistakes that any T-Shirt designer should not do. they have given the wrong size. look, we have more L-side shirt and less one of the m-sized shirt, oh.. it's just A shirt, why to be disputed? oh, it's a proof that they are not professional enough, and they are not ready to be our designer. and they ask us to published them to our friends?! he got to be kidding, what make him superior than others, yeah, maybe the sky high price. that's great!! okay, we're cool.. I'm cool.. I'm cool.. I'm not going to waste my energy to be cheesed out by their.. .. inconsiderable, flawed act.. now, D, Y, N and me had a plan to cut down the prices, since we're not paying for LIES and NON-PROFESSIONALISM.

Old Pa, Talkative Pa

2011-01-03T01:47:00.000-08:00

"Oh my dearest and the most generous, kind and charming father in the world, would you please be a little bit more.. soundless?" this is what usually my sister and I say to my old pa. actually, it is more harsh and rude.. and bold. "Dad, could you stop talking?" in an angry tone, or even worse "Dad, please shut up."
We, (my sister and I) are really annoyed sometimes because of Dad. You know, he always talks about something not worth to be talked about, like rhetorical questions, or questions which answers are hanging in front of his eyes. Well, I'll provide you examples.
every morning, he loves to ask questions. we usually wake up, bathe and go down to fetch our breakfast, while dad will do that after we have done it. here comes the questions.
"Morning.." he says. we greet him back. he will sit next to my sister and watch her eat.
"have you bathe?" he adores this question so much that he always ask this question every morning. it's a stupid question, if my sister doesn't bathe, he won't bathe at all. my sister is quite a temperamental girl in the morning, so she's quite jerked out.
"yes" followed by a sharp exhalation. pleased, he can tease my sister, he ask another stupid question.
"have you worn *anything that obviously my sister has worn*?" that's it, it burns my sister out.
"can you please be quiet?!" she rebukes and takes a huge bite of her toast. this is what colors our morning everyday.
Then, come a day when we all go to watch a movie. I sat between my pa, and my sister, my mom sat on the other side of my sister. afterward, the movie came into a scene of.. well, it's difficult to be explained, but give me a shot. when the movie came into a scene of the main actor's stupidity. I bet everyone has watched Mr. Bean. there will be a scene which Mr. bean's doing something stupid and will cause himself a public humiliation. there, it should be Mr. Bean wh0 feels the embarrassment, not us, but my sister is so.. weird that she will cover her face and feel it. she will always screams out loud "aaaa!! I don't want to watch it anymore!!" sort of that. it will ruin anybody's concentration, whoever he/she is. I had to gain back my splintered concentration, so I moved to lean on my pa's shoulder, to avoid the noise of my annoying sister.
"what happened?"
"I don't know, she screams like hell."
"why" he asked again. oh please, it's so unimportant! I had to go back to watch this movie!
"I don't know, she's embarrassed."
"why is she?" oh my God.
"dad, don't ruin my concentration please, calm down and continue watching this movie." I would like to add 'DAMN' before 'movie' but.. I did not dare to.

my old pa, well, he's not as old as you may imagine, he's just in his early 40! and I'm so proud that he's quite young compared to my classmates' dads. I've actually done an observation. I've observed and find a unique theory, it may be true, it may be wrong also. men who are above 40 will act a little bit more.. like women. ( actually a lot more like women.) my aunts also complain a lot about their.. fussy husbands.
"he WAS a quiet type of man.. but as he gets older, he just.. turns out to be so talkative." one of them mentioned. they suddenly evolve to be chatterboxes! my pa is even a better nagger than my ma and my granny. he will always try to talk in ever chance he may get, he can create those chances too!
however, I've just realized that behind my pa's strange acts, he is actually trying to draw our attention, to talk to us, look, he will be happy when we respond his questions or remarks. he wants to spend much more time to speak to us! may be after they reach their 40, i think that they will automatically change their way of thinking that their children have grown up, and will leave them soon. they are so afraid that they won't have enough time to spend with their children before they finally build a new family. my pa is a Proud person, he won't say out loud that he cares. that way, by irking us, he assumes that that's the way to draw our attention and he will live in our heart. he will try his best to stay in our memory, even it is the memory which we hope to forget soon. Fathers, they have done a great sacrifice for us, their children, so that finally we can only remember their good deeds. It WAS 'Old pa, talkative Pa', it IS 'talkative Pa, the BEST Pa in the world!'

Pretending, yet Suffering

2010-12-14T02:39:00.000-08:00

I'm kind of moody recently, maybe it's because of the nearer 'due date' to my 'monthly guest', I bet everybody knows it. I'm easily become exhausted, especially these days, because I'm going to have my monthly exam. you can hear my head cracks like a cracker cracks. the problem now is not this examination it's something else.

I've physically and mentally grown. I know and I can divide what wrong is and what right is. I know what suitable for me. I teach myself not to procrastinate valuable time. Things look a total contrast now. I used to admire something stupid and dream to be princess. Imagination and all dreams all had turned out to be a ridiculous reality. The truth begins to be revealed, the fake and simple paint begins to peel itself. I've known a lot of missing pieces of the whole mystery in my life. sometimes, the faith which we hold firmly can turn out be nothing but emptiness. A person who we love the most can turn out to be a betrayer. I've learned everything and I wish I haven't.

sometimes, we are wished to grow up to be somebody whom our family want us to be. we are demanded to be like that 'somebody'. that perfect somebody. personally, my parents are not that type of people, but most of my family are. they want me to be perfect. they value things, they judge things unfairly. they see science higher than they see arts. you know what I mean. like everybody else in this world, they say nothing is important besides science. so science, science, and science. they will never look high on me if I'm not good in science. they will never appreciate my hard work if it's not science study or project. I'm used to obey everything they told me, but now I've grown up and I've carved my own path. I'm used to get praises form the, but now, when I'm pursuing my goal, aim, aspiration, they say I've changed. so this is it? they say they love us, but once we do something out of their expectation, then they appreciate us no more. every person is not the same, we have our own talent, and even different taste of foods, we can't judge people by that. we can't say people who love to eat pumpkin are clever and wise people, while people who love to eat cabbage are dumb people. life is not as simply and as cunning like that.

I want to be just me, I want to be me, no one else. I don't want to pretend to be somebody else, because i can't do it. I can't be a person who I don't like, perfectly. I'm now pretending and suffering. I've tried my best to be the missing hero which they hope to meet, but I failed. I'm fed up with all of this. I'm tired, I'm exhausted. I want to give up, but I can't. imagine you're stuck in the middle of death and alive, and you can't go both sides. I'm.. just tired.

Spy 'to' Love pt one (re-post)

2010-12-08T05:30:00.000-08:00

~~~

I walked to my room after dinner. I was exhausted after a big exercise this morning. It was so tiring.. I could feel my body was stiffened.

KLANG KLANG KLANG

TANG TANG TANG

"he.. Hey.. What are you doing?" I protested. she slumped my butt to my bed.

"i'm not playing any game.. Sorry.." I said. She smiled and pointed me a revolver.

"wh.. What the hell?!"

"we insisted."

"mind if I ask something?" I spoke up, breaking the silence.

"depend on what you're gonna ask."

"where are we going?"

"to our meeting." she replied shortly.

"where it might be? Your room?"

"no."

"how many people are there? Are they all girls?"

"you'll know once we are there." before I started to ask again she pointed me with her revolver.

"fine." I rolled my eyes. We both walked until she turned to the left.

"it's alright, I have the authority to get in here. Okay?"

"wait, how come you can get rights like that?"

"you will know." she said.

We arrived in front of a metal door with the big number 3 scraped on it.

She knocked the door several times and it was opened.

"welcome back, Cathy. Oh you must be Anna." the girl who opened the door greeted me. She had a blond straight hair, with fringe. So this black haired girl was Cathy. I nodded at this new girl.

"everybody has been waiting for you, please come inside." I nodded and followed her. Then I was surprised to see what''s inside.

"Hi! Anna.." they greeted me. It was maybe 3 of them.

"why are we here?" I asked.

"okay. I guess it's the time." the blue haired boy spoke up. All of them stood up. Then Cathy opened the Metal door. It revealed a guy who I'd known for years and two other girls.

"guys, why don't you all tell her your name, look, she was confused."

they laughed. what's so funny?

"hi, I'm Ashley. I am 14" the curly brown hair girl who sat beside me before said.

"Mallory 7" said the.. gloomy girl. she's seven?! I could not believe it.

"Raphael. 15" the smartie said.

"the archangel." I suddenly spoke up my mind. Everybody looked at me.

"yeah! I'm a christian!" he was excited.

"next." nick said.

"hi! I'm Pamela. 16" the oriental girl.

"h.. Hi.." I said nervously. although she smiled but.. her eyes were terrifying.

"Brenda. 14" the blind girl.

"whiskey. 15" the straight blond hair girl with fringe who opened the door for me and Cathy said.

"seriously?" I asked. she lifted her eyebrows.

"um.. I'm Anna 14 almost 15." I said. They were all smiling at me. Of course, I named myself, everybody did in here.

"of course we are not the cloning project, they can't create us as perfect as this. Besides, we are not created by.. Bubbles or ashes. We have parents. But why are we here? " he said.

"maybe our parents also live here and work here." Ashley said.

"well, that can be an assumption, but, why can't they find us? Why are we not living as a family?" none of us could answer.

"now, why aren't we be allowed to get out from this place?" we all nodded, agreed with his statement.

"they keep something behind us, don't they?"

"I don't know about that. Ain't wanna know." suddenly Raphael spoke up with his black accent. He stood up and said nervously.

"why? You do ever think about it, don't you? You've known something, haven't you?" nick said. Raphael went pale. He did know something.

"Raphael? What happened?" Pamela asked. He was confused whether he should said out or not. He did keep something behind us. We looked at him doubtfully.

"fine, I'll spit it out. I was once the number two." we looked at him in disbelieving look. Raphael, was not looked like he was ever the number two. well, he looked smart.

"wait! but I thought that once we passed the the test, which determined what number we are, our number are not supposed to change anymore." I said.

"that's right. but.. I'm in a special case." he said. we all stared at him. this was impossible.

"this is serious, nick" he said.

"I know, that's why you are here. carry on." nick replied.

"then, this secret organization, under the name A.C.A the Acme Classified Agents. Well, it's not cool at all. So, why do they train us to be an agent?" he looked around the room.

"because they have something for us to do. On the 20th, we will be released to the upper world, doing a mission, right?."

"that means, we are free?" Mallory spoke up suddenly. She looked so hopeful.

"physically, but not mentally. We still have to obey them, work for them."

"what mission?" I asked. He shook his head.

"that is why I need you Anne." Nick said.

"why? For what?" I said confusedly.

"Raphael. His ability is not necessary to be questioned, he has ever be number two." that could be explained.

"Cathy is great in weaponry." that's why she pointed me revolver.

"I am number 3 now, I can give you free access to A.C.A, and.. I'm quite good." nick smirked.

"then, I'm not good at all, I not a mind reader.." I said doubtfully.

"you are beautiful Anne.. Not me the only one who say that, I've heard a lot."

"yeah.. A lot." Whiskey added.

"okay, I maybe am beautiful, but what? I'm not a great fighter."

"no. No.. You don't need to fight, you just have to--"

"stop!!" Mallory said. Everybody looked at her.

"they.. They're coming.." she said in horror.

"c'mon, let's leave." Pamela said. Everybody stood up and they ran outside.

"what's so rush?" nick was surprised to see me still standing in his room and he dragged me outside.

"Pamela and Brenda were detected. They are not supposed to be together, now, the custodian will come and lock their ass in their own room for the rest of this month."

"why? They do something wrong?"

"they are cuffed for reasons." he said while we were running. "they have worked on this project long ago before they came and tell me this."

"tell you what? Eh. That direction." I showed him the way to my room.

"this escape project."

"what?!" I stopped running.

"what?" he asked me like there's nothing happened.

"escape?! Are you nuts?"

"listen.. Listen..."

"no!! You, look! Do you happen to know anything outside? What if it is a non-oxygen place? What if it is something really bad outside?" he put his hand to my shoulder.

"what will I do?"

"this is a brilliant idea. Be number 10 and date number 1, take all information from him."

~~~

"I know everything, you worry about. I've arranged everything for you. Look, tomorrow, you will meet him in the executive ceremony."

"what??!! I'm not an executive, how.."

"hey." he smiled at me. he had auburn-brown hair. Hazel eyes. And a perfect smile.

"um.. hi.." I replied. He walked out of the room.

"why are you so early? Are you the new executive?" he asked.

"um.. No.. No.. I'm not." I replied nervously. "I'm just an assistance for.. Nick." he seemed to know what I meant.

"oh, Nick. Yeah, it means he's not coming, is he?" I nodded.

"you're bit early. Hey why don't you get in and just watch us prepare? It's.." he opened the door, inviting me in. I was so surprised that I was stunned.

"um.. It's okay, if you do not want to come with me." he said in disappointment. And moved in the room.

"no.. No.." I rushed to him and hold his arms. My heart bumped faster. And I realized what I'd done. I let go of his hand subtly.

"I'm sorry.."

"c'mon." he said, opened the door for me.

"welcome to the conference hall. beautiful isn't it?" he said.

"beautiful? It's amazingly Remarkable!" I exclaimed, I was filled with awe. Everything inside here was unreachable for the rank below 25. How lucky am I?

"i'm not in 25." i said. If we're not in 25, they would not tell us exactly our number.

"well, do you know what his name?" I asked pointing at the guy I would date.

"hey? What's wrong? You seemed to be disgusted."

"oh! No, it's okay, I just don't feel quite comfortable in here.." I said, wondering around to find some evidence which might help to prove my comment. Ola la..

"After looking at his nervous face." I pointed at a fat boy who was squeezing his palm nervously.

"oh, okay, let's not talk about him." he laughed. I never knew that he would laugh like this.

"what?" he said suddenly.

"what what?" i asked back.

"you looked at me.. Like.. There's something in my face, is there anything?" he said doubtfully and wiped his face.

"what's your name?" he asked suddenly.

"A..Anna" i tucked a flock of my hair behind my ear. Why did I become so nervous?

"Anna.. nice name."

"thank you. How about yours?"

"I'm Derrick." he said.

"derrick?" he nodded.

"are you the number two?" he shook his head

"number two is Lucy." I shrugged.

"well, it seems that our executives are strangers."

"invisible actually to me and the other non-executives." he chortled.

"you know, it's not fair for us, I mean we both live here, in this place in this A.C.A.. But what? We don't know anything about it." I complained. He's face suddenly turned to horror.

"what?" did I say something wrong? Or.. What happened?

"how do you know about A.C.A?" he turned to me, looking like he was going to kill me right away.

"A.C.A? What's that?" I tried to lie. Oh my stupid mouth.

"don't lie to me Anna, how can you know about A.C.A? You know something, don't you?"

"No.. No.. I.. I don't know what you're talking about."

"Anna, tell me the truth. I regard you as my friend now, I won't tell them." was he trying to lie to me? But he said he wouldn't tell anybody, was that true?

"look, if you don't tell me, everything will get worse, I will tell them you know something, and you'll be detained." he threatened me.

"o.. Okay.. I do know something about A.C.A.. It's just a.. A.. Secret organization, that's all I know. I don't know what it aims for. I just know that.. Nothing more." he nodded.

We all wear a mask.

2010-12-06T22:13:00.000-08:00

We are going to graduate soon. Soon enough before we can realize it. As a class monitor, of course I hope that we everything good would end good. We start with a smile and end with a smile too.. Although we start as partial, we will end as one. It's just 20 of us, and it's very funny that we are incapable of making ourselves as a group. I personally feel that I'm failed to be the class monitor. It's like you're a president, but you can't make your country your people to live in harmony. I feel I'm useless; I can't solve tons of problems which are hanging around with us. I can't make the class to feel as one, I can't make them to love their class, their.. Home.

There are tons of problems striking us now, like a train wreck. People who I'd ever trusted that they are great, kind, lovable, trusworthy, caring, and.. Naïve, are actually opposite from what I've thought. Although they do really look like they are kind and lovely, but they are actually not. At first, I don't believe what some of my friend told me, I also thought that they lied, but after I hear it, I see it myself, I'm not sure now who my classmates really are. They say look can be deceiving, now I understand it now. They are great actors, I may say, but on the last part, they make a mistake, their masks fall down, and show the real them. I still can't believe it. They betray us, betray our trust, betray our love, betray our Dreams to be one. Promises they made have been broken in just 24 hours. Even, their closest friends are hurt the most. They say they love us, but their heart do not go the same. I try my best to understand them, but I can't. They are too confusing and deceiving, even their eyes told lies. Even for the smallest problem, we can't cope with it. What a shame actually. What a shame.

People in this world, are wearing mask, we can't assess them because of that shield. People who are the nearest to you can be the most venomous snakes which will kill you in a single bite. Maybe they are laughing now, looking at you and wondering how stupid you are to fall into their traps. Well, just be more careful and clever to look through their thick mask. But in the end, I still think that they, who hurt us, still possess a kind heart, they just do not have the same way to show it. But, I'm not saying that I don't do the same to the others, because, I myself also wear a mask, but not as thick as theirs.

so, IELTS still cracks?

2010-12-02T05:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, everybody, take a deep breath. we're abroad plane now, nothing can stop it now. It's been two weeks since the Ielts test. And, tomorrow is the result. Oh God!! please calm me down!! calm me down!!! I'm staggeringly afraid! you see, I guess I did quite good enough in listening and reading, I mean, I did not regret it. However! I did not know how my writing and speaking go. look, it's so scary-itchy. I'm so off the writing topic, and I mentioned aloooooooooooooooooooot of 'Errr..'. I hope that I would forget the result day and remember it when my dying day, which the result is so not important anymore. I'm freaking out!! really.

The clock keeps ticking, time flies. Two weeks are just like split second. now, I tried to concentrate on anything beside the result, yet I kept on recalling it because my friend kept on telling me the due date! see, how great they are!!(in making me nervous). tonight, it was a usual night when I did my piled up HW. it was a safe and sound night, until Suddenly!!! a storm strikes a sunny meadow!! My Great friend (D), texted me so cheerfully, saying:

"W, we can see our Result, NOW! just visit result.ielts.org"

This little piece of damn text made my heart went up and down!! my adrenal gland was out of control and release all that stupid hormone to my blood, causing me nervous like hell. All I could do is starring at my laptop with my fingertip aching. I could not help but start to type the web address. I squeezed my palm skittishly. then it appeared, with pink background, hate to say the truth but it calmed me down. then, after the procedure, filling in my identity, and so whatever thing, I saw my name on the top of the page!! oh my god, then I saw the subject list(listening, reading, writing, and speaking.) without any doubt I scrolled down. Dear, God, what ever the result is please make me strong, please...

Then... I found my overall score, it's 7! I blew fully-relieved breath out. finally!! I did good. then, I started to skim the other score, it's 7(listening, reading, and writing), and 6.5 for my speaking. I'm so so so relived.. I want to shout out my lung to let go all of this bottled up emotions. I'm so relieved, would like to thank my Mom and Dad for supporting me on the test, then the past me, who had wasted so much time to sharpened my english skills, and it worth it. my hard work is paid-off. No matter how difficult the problem is, at least we have tried to do something about it, the result is just a small piece of your whole efforts. aaahh.. everything good will end good.

Ps. don't let anxiousness overwhelmed you. your excess released adrenalin will keep you awake for the whole night.

Ielts 'Cracks'

2010-11-22T04:23:00.000-08:00

What will you do if you are gripping a ticket to Europe and now are sitting inside a bus which moves so slow and gets stuck in a traffic jam? You've spend all your savings just for a vacation to Europe and now you're having a heart attack that the plane is going to fly soon and you're just 10 meter away from the airport. (well, imagine an airport has a traffic jam.) what do you feel?
This feeling is not far different when I was having my IELTS test this last Saturday. why did I connect Ielts test to vacation to Europe? I just want to be more dramatic, actually. Lol. but it was so costly, $195 for just an Ielts test. what if I did not get satisfactory result?

When I arrived in the morning on 8.15 in Australia Center(where it had been hold an Ielts test), I wanted to bite off my fingers. my heart pounded so fast that It wanted to pop out. Despite all the exercises, preparations, simulation tests I've gone through, I was so afraid, I am until now, I will get 6 as my overall bend score and 5.5 in either my speaking or writing test. Oh my goodness. I just couldn't stand still. I inhaled deeply and tried to make my adrenalin to flow slower, yet, I was still feel afraid. later, when I was 8.30 the Australia Center's door opened, we got inside and were directed to leave all of our belongings to the library which it would be locked by the invigilator, but we must take our passport since I had not got my identity card. then 34 of us were divided into two rooms, I went into the same room as D, Winny Teh, Tiffany and Sigid Wibowo, who happened to be my friends. however I was separated from them, I sat in the second last from behind, while D got the first.

First test was Listening, it was a crack. God gracious, all the questions and answers were so tricky, and cunning like a fox! besides, I missed some answers. oh... what should I do? later on, I tried to be more focus on reading test. I needed a pencil sharpener. I did great in reading test, but maybe I made mistakes in true false not given part of the test. well, I am grateful for that.
later, on the writing test, I could not held anymore to make water, so I LOST MY PRECIOUS MINUTES on writing test to visit the bathroom. moreover, I did not have any idea of what i had to write, of course I make the second task first. our topic was about some group of people get advantages of having modern telecommunication technology, while the other do not get any benefit at all. stupidly, I wrote the drawbacks. oh my God! see how stupid i am!!!!!! I regret i wrote that.. i want to cry my eyes out! then in the speaking test, I.. didn't want to know anything anymore, whatever it will be, It will. damn it. just don't make my $195 fly away for nothing.

"Hatreds never cease through hatred in this world; through love alone they cease. this is an eternal law"

Another diary peices of Teressa Katerina

2010-11-01T06:35:00.000-07:00

7 May 1846

Dear, diary

This is my first entry since May, because I'm so busy of running my fashion show in Milan and be the model in the Vogue 18's cover. I can't tell you how exhausted I am, I have to fly from Paris to Milan, then Venice, to visit my little doggy, he prefers to live in Venice. later, I flew from Venice to Spain, to attend my friend's sweet 17's party, then to England, to visit the Queen of England, she is my biggest fans though.. then, to USA, it's a loooong flight, and I lacked of my beauty sleep. living among people is nice, don't worry, I won't drink human's blood, I just have to wear a lot of fashionable and expensive diamonds to survive and drink wine, whiskey, contreau, martini, tequila and vodka.

Do you know that I am going to be 17 on 12th May? finally I've grown up and ready to take my father's business. As a vampire, I have to gone through a.. um...weird tradition, I have to date a human, which comes from aristocrats family. I can't wait for that day.

sincerely,

Teressa Katerina

9 May 1846

Dear Diary,

I'm so happy today!! dad made me send a letter to the Queen of England, stated that I want her to choose me a perfect date for my sweet 17's party. I can't wait to see her reply. besides, daddy will invite all noblemen and women to my B'day party. Oh, my personal hairstylist is so stupid, she opened the window so wide that I see a strange, unidentified flying object flew in!! it flew in to my flawless chamber. they called it mosquito, what is it actually? a little flying black thing. it's so disgusting.

sincerely,

Teressa Katerina

10 May 1864

Dear Diary,

The Queen of England made me a reply and she told me there's a guy, with the initial name KK, I don't know what it stands for, but for me, it is a wonderful name!! my heart beats faster as I read 'KK' words, see it is a powerful words. I saw myself in the golden mirror, I blushed!! oooh.. I can't wait to see 'KK'. The Queen said that 'KK' is very extraordinary, he is good in riding horse and archery; he loves to exploring the jungle to find a rare rose for his beloved Queen, and the most important thing, he is always the model for the photo shooting in man Vogue'18. OHH!!! I faint!! he is so perfect. I can't imagine how he will waltz me through the ballroom, while the spotlight is pointing to us, and every single man in the room put all their attention to us. well, don't bother them, as long as I can be with 'KK', it's enough.. yeah.. enough..

sincerely,

Teressa Katerina

11 May 1846

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow, is my B'day party. I will meet 'KK' tomorrow, so I have to be ready. Vivienne Westwood will design me a new pajama for my special birthday, Jimmy Choo, Prada, Versace will also come and give me a very remarkable gift. oh, I wonder what it is. I won't bother if other lucky people who I invite to my party, give me dresses, well, although I already have the winter collection for this year. And.. and.. the most important thing is what i will wear tomorrow. oh, I can't describe how beautiful it is, how it steals so may hearts and eyes. I'm so proud to be the owner, actually, it is especially made for me. I'm sure 'KK' will like it tomorrow. what will he wear? I recently sat on balcony and adored the beautiful moon, it showers me with its light and grace.. oh.. How happy am I if I know that 'KK' will carve my name on it. oh I've bought all the Man Vogue'18 all edition, and they are all his picture in the cover. but i don't know what is his face look like, because 'KK' was photographed from his jaw to his body. oh.. he is so lovely, his strong jaw, and wide chest. oh.... I'm blushing again. I want to meet him!! I can't wait anymore!!! hardly i could fall asleep.

sincerely,

Teressa Katerina

15 May 1846

Dear diary,

I'm so sorry you've missed so many sweet moment of mine with 'KK'. oh, for sure I know whst it stands for, but i won't tell you, because it makes me so happily dizzy after say it.. look, I feel dizzy again and blushing. my party was a success. everybody in the room enjoyed it so much, especially the Queen. After they all have their picture with me, the waltz began. at that time, i did not know which one was 'KK'. he did not give me any single clue, even a wink. i'd been curious all day until the waltz. suddenly when the Orchestra which was conducted by Beethoven started the music , a man took my hand gently. oh he had to be 'KK'. but yet, i did not see his face, he wore a mask, a silver mask. but I could see through his deceiving blue eyes. he hold me firmly, so that i could swung swiftly and perfectly. this perfect gives from Jimmy Choo and others helped me a lot in the waltz. they present me a stilletos. it was just simply perfect, it paled up to my others high heels, it made them look like flip flops. oh the dance was just so perfect. then 'KK' guide me to the garden behind my house. we sat beside the fountain. then, he revealed his true face. again, it is secret, cause i can't describe something so perfect like him. his voice always echoed in my head. I can't get him out of my mine, he is a drug for me!! then, guess, what he gave me.

He gave me the rarest rose in this world which even the Queen has not had it. and a diamond ring. don't bother what diamond it is, I don't care, i have a lot of them, what I really care is he is the one. yeas! he is the one!!! Oh!! I fall in love in the first sight. I can't believe I'm so stupid to fall into that term, but.. it really happened. 'KK' is the one. I'm certain of it!

sincerely,

Teressa Katerina K ( I faint after I added up K behind my name.)

Me, gone missing??

2010-11-01T05:27:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'all! it's quite a.. um.. cloudless, clear, and fine, night, it's a windy night though, cause just now, it rained. well, that's not the problem.. I don't know if I should feel happy, sad, or even guilty..

It's all started, when I found out that there's 14 missed calls on my phone. well, I'm surprised, cause, I didn't feel the vibration.. very funny isn't it?? okay, is it because my skin is too thick, or my phone's vibration is too soothing. Oh God! I knew a lot of missed calls means bad news. I'm in my tuition, so I texted my dad, asking what's wrong. he aksed where I was so, I texted him back. He said that why didn't I mentioned about going to tuition, I replied it's a usual thing, I've told mom, then he said that mom said that I was going my tuition on Wednesday, not Monday. I started to feel some tickle in my heart. what made mom thought that??

Dad fetched me home just now, he said that I'm so stupid, why I didn't pick up the phone. I just kept quiet, he didn't say anything more, except few questions about what we'll get for dinner. I didn't know there's something huge waited me at home, I didn't even realized what's the awkward atsmosphere hanging in the air, I didn't think of the 14 missed calls, I didn't even asked my dad why He and mom made lot of calls. usually, not until 14, may be just 9.

after I went home, things were just normal, I didn't sense any.. suspicious smell, or I'm too insensitive. then I had dinner as usual, with mom's sitting beside me and talking unstopably, commonly about my sister, my cousin, or some hot gossips. But just now, It's different. I told her that I'm going to tuition on Monday, instead of Wednesday, she said that I've ever told her that I've changed my day. then, she told me that she had phoned N ( my besties), daddy, then phoned Betty Laut( my dentist, whose daughter goes to the same class as mine), two 0f my aunts, N's mom, N's dad, then school (but nobody picks up the phone).

well, well, well, I was shocked, I am. she told me how her condition was, she went panicked when my driver phoned her that I was nowhere to be found, that was about 5 o'clock. then She phoned dad, dad phoned me 9 times, before I realized it, then when I didn't pick up, he called N's dad, while Mom put everybody on dial. she thought that I went missing, and gratefully not. I've just watched the lovely bones, it's about a teenage girl who was murdered while her family was having a dinner and waiting her, but she never returned. then it rang me a bell, did Mom and Dad also feel the same way as Susie's(the girl in the movie) mom and dad felt? I.. well, felt sorry for mom, because she was worried sick about me, then Dad, he was too proud to show his anxiousness.

Sorry Mom, Dad, I know you love me, and I love you too. I'll try not to put my phone into silent mode, again. Thanks for worrying about your stupid daughter..

Ps. Dad said that He's gonna make me use a walkie talkie if this happens again.

Being a king is nice, you say?

2010-10-29T01:02:00.000-07:00

Being a king is nice, what do you say?

Well, I'm not a king literally, but I'm the class monitor. Me and My friend (D, N, Y) who one of them is the class secretary, obviously rule the class. But do we really rule the class?? Do we really have a throne?? Unfortunately, we just own the name..

Does being a king mean that you have to arrange, do and finish tasks, so that people of yours can go a bundle on the sweet result of your hard work while they can enjoy their trip to the moon? Being a king of a bunch of egocentric people is not far from being their slave. All that they can concern about are themselves. Not to earn thier awareness or attention, let alone their respect or.. Perks, but at least a 'thanks' and 'sorry'?

Does a king need to say 'please'?
Have you ever seen a king begged his people to help him to do something? Well, we do not get any 'thanks' for them after sweeping away the whole class' mess. They even mock us for asking help, like it's our responsible to clean up their and our table. All that they can do is just enjoying the meal and let us serve them. It's not fair, it all can be seen on every simple problem. We are all planted with the thought of 'who's hungry, who cooks'. When we're all starving and look at each other, nobody is willing to be the cook, then, when I, and the bebeks, stood up, they hurriedly queue up and wait with thier plates open. They do prefer death to being the cook.

They say, being a king is a luck, but that doesn't go the same way with us. Maybe we're seemed to be ruling the class but, we're being ruled.

With your eyes opened, you'll see how justice play its role.

It's not my cup of tea

2010-10-28T20:08:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking, of these words recently.. what's my cup of tea?

As I enter the accelerated class, I met a bunch of greatly talented student, talented in the meaning of having flawless examination result in every test. well, to tell the truth, I do not really suppose to be in that class, I want to get in myself, not like others, recommended by the school itself. but, I managed to get in.

Unfortunately, after I tried to adapt to this class, I realized that this class is not destined to be 'mine'. I scored very BAD!! I disappoint myself and others. but, what else can I do? I try to move on.. yet, again and again, I let myself down. even this examination?? I failed myself again. I don't know how, but, I've gone through my really hard time without getting insane.

I tried to look at my friend, yes, maybe some of them are having hard time like me, but majority, they are flawless!! oh God! I can't describe how jealous I am!! they're just too perfect!!..
but recently, my best friend told me

"This is not your cup of tea. you can do a lot of things(besides this), better than us!"

then I realized. why should I grieve about something that is not 'me'? I mean, I try to be someone else, but me, I try to be anyone else but I failed, then, I'm sad because of that stupid things. oh God! how stupid I am. this is me, and i'm not gonna change.

call it a quick post!!

Uh oh, dilemma or too picky? Careful, W..

2010-10-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

And who am I? that's one secret I'll never tell, you know you love me, XOXO, Gossip Girl.

Trees are shattering, wind chills. They say, new season new lover, as we can see last summer WB and W broke up, now we're knocking on autums's door. So, How are you, W?

Spotted on W's : Cousin as a spy? That's not immoral, that's major source of gossips. So , what can you dig from her, W? Since she knows something big about WB.
Oops !! haven't I told you that WB is happening to have a close relation with KT. Hold your breath, She's not a girlfriend, but a messenger??

WB confessed his feeling about W to KT, then, KT told everything to W. So, W, what are you going to do? Are you afraid to play his game?Or, is it a trap for you, W? He might know that KT is going to tell you..
Oh, well, It turns out W takes his challenge, or falls to his trap. But, does she take it because she thinks he's an angel? Or.. She still keeps feeling for him? Are you sure, W?
Do You feel any electric vibration in your heart? Is there any chemistry??

Well, talking about chemistry, Spotted at TC : W seems to be glaring at somebody, with the blushy cheek, who might it be? Are you going to wave your hand to your little Lover?
So it's M-boy, W? You said you didn't lie any interest on him, but why ends up blushing to your feet?

So, who will you choose, W? Are you gonna have a thought that lightning won't strike the same place twice? You know exactly what extinguish the fire, now you're trying to lit it up once again without being aware of the extinguisher. Don't fall for the same trap , W.. But.. Are you sure there's no any trap out there? Uh oh, W, the old same traps or.. The new sophisticated traps. You know what you'll Choose. We've set you the alarm, W.

Let them play their role, we're here to watch. Bonjour, Summer..

XOXO , Gossip Girl

Dare to Dream

2010-10-27T01:34:00.000-07:00

It was quite late at night, when I passed a big billboard . I was going home that night, from a funeral of my granddad's sister-in-law. well, it's considered we are far related, but because we also sometimes visit her (in Chinese new year), and we also share some family's problems, so we are kind, tied with that bond. So back to the billboard, I saw a common and inspiring sentence.

"Dare to Dream. People say that, but I say this!"

Well, the most important part is "Dare to dream". I've ever read this from an inspiring novel, by Andrea Hirata, The Dreamers (sang pemimpi) the sequel book of The Rainbow Troops( laskar pelangi). it shows us that we have to dream, without dreams, we can't move forward. what the matter is not how big our dreams are, but how big our attempt to grab our dreams.

Such an inspiring quote. I've forgotten about that. I've forgotten about my dreams and hopes. I've forgotten the passion of living. all this time, I keep complaining and grieving about my examination result. I tried to find it every where, where's my problem?? I didn't find it until I saw the billboard, and I realized. the problem now is, I don't dream. I've forgotten the reasons why I study and keep fighting so hard. I've forgotten the taste of victory, and the feeling of grateful. thanks to the billboard, now I want to go back to my track, from where I got lost.

Sometimes, things are seemed to be impossible, but, It's not a mistake for us to keep dreaming. our lives do not like a destined drama, we are not given scripts by God. life is a flawed drama, because it doesn't fulfill the criteria of a drama, which is the end has been destined to be like that. We are the one who write the roles, and direct them, and be the actors. so we are free to change the plot and the ending. I believe there's no life will end with such a tragedy like shakespeare's playwright, it depends on our decision.

so in the end, thanks to the billboard :)

Love Story part 2

2010-09-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

"he developed lung cancer." was that a lie? So I would stay far away from him?
He took a deep breath and combed his grey hair with his finger.
"you lie to me! I don't believe it!!" actually, I was convincing myself that Marcellino was just okay, but his pale face appeared in my vision. Was that why he looked slightly pale all the time?
"I'm telling the truth." he looked away to the fire place.
Marcellino always avoided crowded places, or dusty area, he sometimes breathed heavily after small running. All memories gathered up.
"you are not lying" I spoke up. I walked approached him. My heart was frozen. Was it all real? I could barely stood up, i felt all my energy had been sucked up to no where.
"I'm not. He was diagnosed with lung cancer, a year ago. He collapsed in front of us in the middle of dinner, after he coughed up blood." my tears rolled down, I felt my body was very heavy, and I almost collapsed.
"what?" I said with a croaky voice.
"yeah, he did." Mr. Brissette nodded. Was that the reason why he wanted to keep me and Marcellino apart? Was because Marc was ill, so, he was afraid that I would not love His son anymore?
"I love him, including his illness, that doesn't ceased any of my fondness towards him." I fell down on my feet onto the brownish-yellow carpet, infront of the fireplace.
"that's not the reason I tell you this." he sat down beside me and hold my shoulder, his eyes were full of worry and pain. I looked at him confusedly.
"after he met you.. His life turned contrastly. I never saw him as happy as now, after his mother's death."
"then why?" I sobbed. His face stiffened.
"he stopped taking medicine."
my brain was blank at that moment.
"w.. What?"
"he stopped taking his pills. That shortened his life significantly. To tell the truth, those pills don't cure his illness, but to slower the cancer's development."
I couldn't belive what he just said. I did not even understand. I could only heard that Marcellino stop his medicine, i did not even understand that completely. He was just speaking with other language. My head was full of thoughts and information.
"why.. Why does he stop?" finally, I spoke up.
"because..", he looked at me deeply "he falls in love with you. Those pills make him feel sick, he doesn't want to make you worry with that burden."
"what?" I cried. Marcellino shortened his life because of me? That was impossible, i couldn't even slightly believe it.
"i want you to stay out from his life, because of this, not because of your social status. According to doctors, from Italia, even if he consumes those pills routinely, he can't make it. He can't past these coming two years, unless, he gets transplantation. That's the last way we can do." Mr. Brissette took a deep breath. I shook my head. He could not even make it. He could not pass another two years.
"i can't do this.. I can't.. It'll hurt him.." I shook my head.
"however he will suffer a lot if you two stay together." he was right though, Marcellino would just continue suicide. Then, why didn't I just tell him to continue takes his pills?
"wait.. There must be another way.. We can tell him to take his pills, I can ask him to do that, he will listen to me.." I tried to convince him that my idea would work. He shook his head slowly.
"why?"
"he knows he will live no more longer. He has ever asked me to stop buying those pills. To tell the truth, I'm hurt to see him suffers this way, however, what can I do?" he gazed upon the fireplace. "what do you think he will do, madame? He wants to spend this short time, just to be happy with you. He will forget his illness along with the pills. He dares to buy that time with his life." I gathered all myself up. Oh, God, what should I do?
"Maybe this is a selfish request from me, but, please, let him live a little bit more longer." I bursted out crying. Oh, God, what should I do? If I stayed with him, then he would die soon enough, before I could blink. However I wanted him, I loved him. Was this love selfish? Was this love harmful?
"anyway, madame, if you let him go now, It won't hurt you badly when he leave." he patted me.
"no.. No!!" I fell hard to the carpet. I couldn't imagine days without Marcellino. His images swam in my head. His strong jaw, warm hand.. They would vanish. However, this was all for him, for Marcellino. He deserved to live longer.
"what should I do? What should I tell him?" I aksed Mr. brissette when I felt better. He pulled me up and made me sit on his chair, while he sat on another.
"lie to him. Tell him you don't love him. Ask him to stay away."
"i.. I can't.." i looked away.
"you can, madame, I've seen your performance, you did well. You're a great actresse. Lie to him.. To buy his some time." my head was screaming. I wanted this or not, I had to do it. It was for marcellino. If he could sacrifice his life, only to stay with me, then I could sacrifice my heart only to keep him live a little bit more longer.
"yes.. Yes, sir." I nodded eventually.

That night, I fainted after I reached my apartment. Rain couldn't stop falling, like my tears couldn't stop rolling down. I told myself this was just a nightmare, and I wished tomorrow when I woke up, everything would change.
~~~
I jumped up from my sleep, in a completely dark room. My heart bumped fast as my adrenaline flowed rapidly. I finally realized that I had a nightmare. I did not remember how I could end up wearing pajamas. My body was drenched by sweat. I reached to the window and flipped the curtain. It was raining. I started to worry about how sould i tell Marcellino to cancel our breakfast today, and it made me to recall his illness. I reached to a mirror beside the window. I looked at my reflection on the dusty old mirror. My eyes were swollen. Did I cry all night long? Was that all conversation with Mr. Brissette real? Was that real? I touched my loose hair and combed it as i noticed a drop of tears fell from my eyeball. Marcellino always soothed my hair when we kissed and embraced. Would that all vanish in thin air? His smile, his warmth, his scent.. I couldn't survive without him.
"evangeline.." somebody called me and knocked the door repeatedly.
"yes?"
"Mr. Brissette comes to see you.." she chirped. What? Was it Marcellino or his father?
"hannah?" i called. Hannah was one of my crew. She came from German.
"ja?"
"who is he?"
"marcellino."
God Gracious! I dropped my comb, which made quite loud of noise.
"are you okay, evangeline?"
"y.. Yes.. Tell him, to come back at night.. I have something to tell him later.." I clung to my dresser firmly. Oh God.. Why did it come this soon? Why did happiness always end so quickly? I couldn't imagine how I was gonna try to tell marcellino. How could I tell him.. I climbed up to my bed slowly and I fell a sleep.
~~~
DAK DAK DAK
somebody knocked the door violently, I jumped up out from my bed.
"evangeline!! Evangeline!" that were Mr. Guisseppe and hannah's voices calling my name.
"y.. Yess!!" I replied back, hurriedly rushed to the wooden door and opened it.
"ooh.. God! What happened to your eyes?" hannah shrieked. That was how I know, i cried in my sleep. May be it was already evening, hannah and mr. Guisseppe had already put thier costume and make up on. Mr. Guisseppe looked at me and took a deep breath.
"evangeline, can we speak?" he asked. I nodded and allowed him to get inside my room, leaving hannah outside.
"wait a second, hannah" he commanded. Hannah nodded. And I closed the door. He walked in and sat in my dresser chair.
"so, evangeline, have you talked to Mr. Brissette?" he asked me. I nodded.
"then?"
"he.. He said that.. I should keep away from Marcellino.." my voice was trembling. He looked pity on me.
"didn't you negotiate with him?"
"i did.." i took a deep breath. "marcellino, was diagnosed with lung cancer. He stops consuming his medicine, because he feels sick all the time and.. And.. He doesn't want to spend his time in bed, he just want to be with me. That's why, Mr. Brissette asked me to leave him.. To save his life.." i explained. Mr. Guisseppe's eyes widened and then softened.
"so.. What are you going to do?" he aksed me.
"i.. I'll tell him.."
"we are ready for the show." I shot up and grabbed his hand.
"Mr.Guisseppe, I don't want to perform.. Don't let me.." he looked away.
"okay, evangeline, I'm here to tell you that. Make sure, you make the right decision." he tapped my shoulder and left the room. This should be the time.
~~~
that night was raining. The air was chilling. I wore the coat, which he gave me. I stood in front of the door, waiting for him. It was about 7 at that time. I hoped that he couldn't make it, so I would not need to tell him. I hoped he did not come. I hoped every black car that passed did not stop. However, I had prepared everything. My tears had dried out, it couldn't roll down anymore. The wind blew and my body trembled. It was so cold. Steam got out from my mouth and nose. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder and a black coat covered my shoulder.
"marcellino?" I said. He came. He smiled at me.
"are you cold?" he used his coat to cover me.
"i'm sorry i'm late.."
"no.. It's okay.." I looked at him deeply, I tried to remember every inch of his face. I would not forget him. I returned the coat.
"what's wrong? Are you mad?"
I shook my head.
"listen to me, marcellino.." I pushed him away.
"i.. I.. I want you to stay away."
"c'mon, evangeline, we've gone through this." he said.
"i know.. But.. I don't want us to be together."
"evangeline.. Your being this hurt me.." he pleaded me.
"no, marcellino.. I know what hurts you. I don't want this."
"tell me.. Tell me why do you want this?" he grabbed my arms.
"I don't want this anymore!!! This is tiring!! Stop begging me, marcellino.. Please.."
"no, you are lying.." he said.
"father must have told you to stay away from me.."
"why do you keep insisting?? Please..." I cried. I loved you marcellino. Please don't make it hard. Please...
"because I love you, Evangeline. Nothing can separate us" his voice trembled, showed his tears almost fell to his cheek. He looked at me, pleading me, asking me in vain. i could feel his breath, which was blown through his cold and pale lips, at my face. The sky were all dark, rain fell from the black sky but it couldn't make him blur in my vision. His strong carved face stiffened holding varied emotions. His deep black eyes softened. I leaned against the wall of my house. I couldn't stand straightly for my legs wobbled. I used up all my strength to press down my emotion. My blonde hair was loosen up and wetted by the rain like my body was drenched.
"we can't be together" I replied him as tranquil as I could. Hundreds of kinds of emotion were erupting in my head. My answer felled him. His eyes filled with frustation and disapproval. That hurt me enough.
"don't you feel the same?" he moved forward and grasped my arms.
"don't we have the same feeling?" he shook me gently. I watched him dying for I stabbed him with all my lies. I loved him, but I knew it couldn't be true. We were not meant to be. He's not mine.
"no.." I managed to say.
"I don't love you." thunder stroke the black sky. His eyes widened in disbelief. He shook his head slowly.
"your feeling is nothing to do with all this damn situation! Answer me honestly." he looked at me, examined me. I tried not to look at him.
"look into my eyes. Evangeline." I tried to moved away.
"look into my eyes!" he yelled at me. Shocked, I directly faced him.
"I.. I.." my voice quivered.
"say it, evangeline, tell me that you don't love me."
"I.. I don't... I don't love.. I don't love you, Marcellino Brissette." that's the biggest lie I've ever told.
"is that it?" he walked backwards, letting go his grisp.
"yes." I could tell, he was not upset nor sad. He was angry.
"fine! It's over now." he shouted at me. His expensive suit was ruined. His curly black hair was messed up. He came this far, fooling his gate guard, just to meet me, yet, I refused him. He walked away angrily.
I fell to my feet. Tears, which I hold desperately burst out. My heart was throbbing and breaking. I tried to gather myself back, but it's impossible. Part of me had gone away. I let the rain wash away all my weariness. I should have known that this was not gonna turn out good. I had hurt him. He didn't have to suffer this all. He did not deserve it. He was not supposed to meet me.
~~~
the next morning, it was the day Marcellino and his father went back to Italy. He would not come back here anymore. He would never. So, every single thing of him.. I would forget soon. Day by day passed, I kept on performing and never got any news from him. He never wrote and I did not dare to start. I missed him. However, what should I do? I did not want to start a conversation, he would not reply. Did he feel the same? Did he miss me? There was a hole in my heart, that would never be mended again. Mr. Guisseppe tried to help me, he invited a lot of his business' friends, but, I did not even looked at them. I could not love anybody, besides Marcellino. In my whole life, I could only love him. Only him.
5 months after he left, I still did not get any news from him. How was he? Did he get better? Did he even try to find another woman? Did he ever think of me? Did he miss me? Did he try to write? I wanted to call him, but the only telephone I had, is in the opera house, Mr. Guisseppe's. Besides, I did not know Marcellino's telephone number. It was useless. Oh God, even our being apart could not cease my love towards him. How could I get over him? I always woke up in the midnight dreaming about him. Were we supposed to be apart? I could not sleep well, I could barely swallow what I devoured. Everything seemed to be empty and.. Unrealistic. Winter, spring had passed. Flowers bloomed and died. Autumn was going to come. Leaves had dried out and fell. Still, my heart was empty and hollow. Only a coat he left for me.. Only that coat which kept our memories. After winter I washed it and kept it under my pillow. I missed him.
Then, one day, a thing happened. Unforgetful and unexpected thing happened. As I was rehearsing, suddenly, Mr. Guisseppe asked me to be on the phone. Was that from mother? Was she sick? I was confused and worried.
"he.. Hello?" my voice quivered.
"am I speaking to Ms. Moretti?" a woman spoke. Who was she? Did I know her?
"yes.. You are.."
"well, Ms. Moretti, I have to put you on the line with Mr. Brisette. Hold on." she said. Mr. Brisette??. Marcellino?? Or his father? What happened. Part of me was happy, because finally, after 5 months I could speak to them, while another part of myself was worried. Did something happen? Then, I heard a lower voice.
"evangeline?" that was his father.
"y..yes?"
"oh.. How can I tell you.. This.. This.." from his voice, I could tell he was worried and tired.
"what is it?" there was a pause.
"evangeline.. I'll send somebody to fetch you here." he said hurriedly
"Does something happen?"
"eerh.. At 7, wait there, evangeline.. See you there." he hung up.
What happened? What was the matter? Suddenly, I felt something bad. It was just.. I was paranoid.. However, I never felt this.. This nervous feeling before. Did something happen to marcellino? Did something bad happen to him? No.. No.. I should not be thinking so pessimistically. Maybe, Marcellino had got transplantation, so.. His father asked me to meet him, to tell me that I could love marcellino again.. I tried to put my thought with those ideas, still, it couldn't make me felt better. I had to tell Mr. Guisseppe that I would not perform today. I had to pay Italy a visit. Marcellino.. You had to wait for me.. You had to.
~~~
The sky was black that night. It was the same sky, when I told the biggest lie I'd ever told, and hurt myself. It was the same sky, which looked at me in pity when I cried. It was the same sky, the same stormy black sky, when my life turned upside down. I waited at the same spot where I waited for Marcellino. Ironically, I was waiting for him too, now. Was it a bad sign? Oh God.. I couldn't rewind it all over again. I did not even dare to think about that heart-breaking moment again. I glared to my cheap brown watch. It was over 7 o'clock. However, I still did not see any sign of black car. It was going to rain soon. I took out my hat from a big bag, I'd packed my dresses for few days in Italy, and the coat. It reminded me of Marcellino. We were going to meet soon. At a sudden, a black car went and passed me, fast, it did not stop. That was not his car, but.. I thought that that car was his. What should I do? I even did not know who came to fetch me. Did they even know that they have to fetch a poor lady? Oh, God.. Shoud I run after them? What would happen if that was not their car? It was a dilemma. The car was getting far far away. If I did not chase it, then.. I would never meet Marcellino again. I ran after the car.
"wait!!! Wait!!!" I shouted as I ran. It led me to central road, many cars and people there. The rain started pouring. No.. I couldn't reach it, it was way too fast. What should I do? I assumed it wanted to turn right, so I took a short cut from a small road, which would lead to the same road as the car's. I ran, this bag was quite heavy, it slowed me down. I threw my bag, besides, all the dresses were ugly and old. Whatever would happen, I had to reach that car. My intuition was not wrong, I bumped into the black car. I noticed that there was another black car behind.
"hello.." I knocked the car window. Somebody rolled the window down.
"what can I help you, madam?" he was annoyed I could a see.. A young man.
"are.. Are you from Italy? Did Mr. Brissette send you?" he widened his eyes.
"wh.. Oh.. Yess.. Yes.. I'm from Italy." he smiled cunningly. What was it? He looked at his driver. They both smiled.
"come in, madam." he pulled my wrist. No.. It's not them. They would not pulled me inside, they were more careful. I remembered the cook, although he was stupid, but he would not welcome a stranger.
"no.. You lie to me! You're not one of them." i turned pale.
"just get in, miss, I will satisfy you. " he laughed.
"no!!! Let me go!!!" he pulled me harder. I almost fell inside the car.
"no!!! Help!!! Somebody!!!" I shouted. That man tried to cover my mouth. I struggled to get loose,But he was so strong.
"help!!!" when I fell inside and he almost closed the door, suddenly somebody hold the edge of the car door.
"what is it??" the man who kidnapped me was shocked. I did not know what happened next, but I was out from that car, and the man who hold the car door punched the man who kidnapped me, and took me away.
"are you okay, miss?" he asked me.
"y..yes.." my voice quivered. My body shook violently. He smiled relievedly. He had mellow eyes, thin moustache, small chin and slim figure. He was like a butler.
"are you, Ms. Moretti?" he aksed me. He took out a piece of paper, maybe a picture and he looked at me, comparing me with the picture. Maybe it was my picture. I nodded to reply his question. He smiled and kept the pictuce back in his pocket. He wore evening suit. Was he a
"my name is Robert. I am sent by Mr. Brissette to fetch you." i nodded. He brought me to a black car, exact black car which was behind the car I bumped. Shamefully, i got inside the black car. I was almost got raped. There was a driver inside. He seemed to be not aware of everything surrounded him.
"how could you find me?" i asked him as I got inside the car. He smiled.
"you are supposed to wait me infront of your house. I saw you running away from me, so I tries to look for you, but i lost you in the middle, and suddenly you bumped to that black car. And.. We know the rest." I nodded slyly. I was so ashamed. I bumped into the wrong car, and I almost.. Got raped.
"thank you.. Except for you, they will rape me.." I thanked him he nodded.
"you are wet, miss.. Are you okay? We are going to England, then we will fly to italy" he said.
"what? But.. But.. I haven't bought any plane tickets. And.. And.. I don't have that big amount of money." I was embarrased to say that, but.. What else could I say?
"don't worry, Mr. Brissette has arranged everything." My God.. Was there really something bad happening?
"you can take off your coat, the warmer will dry it up." he said.
I nodded and took off my coat. It was quite cold inside. He turned on the warmer. I could say, it was my first time to get inside a car.
"what happened?" I aksed. He looked away.
"Mr. Brissette will tell you soon." there was a pause.
"can you please tell me? Is there anything happening to Marcellino?" he was nervous. He shook his head.
"please.. Tell me everything you know. Why does Mr. Brissette want me to see him badly? There must be a reason.. A strong reason.. Please.. Please tell me.." I begged him. He seemed to be awry. I took a deep breath.
"okay.. It seems that you'll never talk.. It's okay.. But.. I do really miss Marcellino." my eyes were wetted by tears.
"you know, I hurt him.. I hurt him to extend his life. He looked.. Terribly sad at that time.. And.. I never heard from him until now. It is.. About half year.. And suddenly, i get a bad news about him. Is it a bad news, by the way?" I wanted to know the truth. it was about Marcellino and.. It's my rights afterall..
"actually, it is." i hold my breath. What did he say? A bad news.
"how bad is it?" I hold my emotions, but, it stucked in my throat, thus, it made me hissed.
"it's.." he squeezed his palm.
he shook his head.
"Marcellino.. He is dying."